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Milking Kittens

By Amelia Ell

Every masterpiece you read here on The Milking Cat has been preciously selected for your viewing, vetted by editors, and published according to basic human standards (for the most part). This being said, everything originates from the dark recesses of a cold and twisted janitor’s closet full of pickled sponges and off-coloured cleaning detergents, where we keep the rest of our ideas. So, as we are fast approaching my mid-senior year crisis, this is a tribute to all the stale ideas stifled away in that closet that will never find their glory. These are milking kittens—the baby articles that never made it to the big screen.

  1. Idea from our incredibly witty columnist Ben Fogler - “I had an idea for someone brushing their eyes but like they would brush their teeth, but instead of teeth, it’s their eyes (it’s a metaphor or something).” To which I responded, “That would be absolutely terrifying.”

  2. Lament of the unpopped popcorn - It began like this: O woe is the unpopped popcorn kernel that doth lie burned, yet unblistered.

  3. Why humans have eyebrows - Legend has it that eyebrows do, in fact, have a function, and that is to keep sweat out of our eyes. Yes, indeed, an eyebrowless human may lose their mate in favor of a human without clammy eyeballs. "I like you, but your eyeballs are too sweaty."

  4. Documentary interview of a guy who is a tumbleweed. Or, "I'm the fire alarm." Or, "I'm the chirping crickets. Crickets don't actually sound like that; in fact, they sound more like (insert weird squishy noise)." An awkward silence follows at the end of the story, and he proceeds to chirp.

  5. John Stick starring Treeanu Leaves. A somewhat niche parody of John Wick.

  6. Every character description is introduced by how well they play the bi-weekly office Monopoly game: "His secret strategy to avoid losing every time he played the bi-weekly office Monopoly was not playing the bi-weekly office Monopoly." 

  7. Things you should not microwave: most say it explodes.

  8.  "I was so cold I wore two pairs of pants!" "Oh, I’ve heard of that. It's a golfer thing, right?"

  9. "You know what would be unconventional? If you run a line of fifteen hundred living squid sanctuaries underneath the Pentagon, keeping the whole operation alive only by a supply of premium puppy food and the tears of European politicians."

"But why would you do that?"

"You wouldn't; that's what makes it unconventional."

  1. “I do have a habit of accidental low-riding.”

And that’s not even the worst of it.


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