By Asher Hancock:
In these turbulent and tumultuous times, it is much easier to focus on our differences instead of our scarce similarities. However, in looking at what does unite people, one particular source is more abundant than ever: the scandal. From questioning just how filthy rich Kylie Jenner is to anything happening on TikTok, since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, there has been no shortage of celebrity drama. The current moment seems to demand an article on some of the greatest scandals in the history of the world thus far. You may be thinking, “wow is the author really going to bring up the ever changing verdict as to Pluto’s planetary status or unpack the parallels between Plato’s Allegory of a Cave and ABC’s The Bachelor?” However, the content of this analysis will have much less substance and much more absurdity in true celebrity scandal fashion.
Sexiest Man Alive Botch
Before People magazine was founded in 1974, one would think that there was no such thing as Sexiest Man Alive Award. However, the inspiration for the award came from the Derby Evening Telegraph, an English tabloid newspaper that was founded in 1879. During WWII, seeing people’s negative reaction to all the horrific daily headlines, they decided to give people something positive to look forward to, the Most Well Proportioned Gentlemen Award. This award was described as the “premier accolade for the dapper and elite in the whole city of Derby and some neighboring cities”. In 1943, the Telegraph made the long awaited announcement as to that year’s Well Proportioned Gentlemen, and were shocked to see a picture of a balding man with a cigar in his mouth throwing up a peace sign. Yes, it was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Winston Churchill. This decision was already controversial enough as people were really hoping for it to be Chiang Kai-shek,the leader of the Chinese Nationalist forces, but the botch that followed was only paralleled by the recent Moonlight/La-La Land Oscar mixup. The following day the Telegraph published a piece to correct their mistake, and shared that Churchill was actually the winner of the Breakfiest Gentleman of the Year. The term “Breakfiest’ obviously denotes a lover of breakfast, something which Winston Churchill certainly was (along with every other sane person in the world). Apparently, he was the most notable of the breakfast lovers as well as the most gentlemanly and people were extremely relieved to find that Kai-shek was the true Well Proportioned Gentleman.
Winston Churchill Chiang Kai-Shek
The Scooby Doo Scandal (You Know the One)
In 1969, television was graced with perhaps the most captivating and delightful show of all time:Scooby Doo. Nobody could’ve imagined the societal impact that four meddling kids, a dog with a speech impediment, and a glorified van have had worldwide, but especially in the Ukraine. Even more unimaginable was the 1982 investigation by NBC’s Dateline that was not only one of the biggest scandals of all time, but also ruined Scooby Doo for the world (and especially for the Ukraine). The investigation exposed not one but two shocking realities of the making of Scooby Doo. The first of these two was the discovery that Scooby Dog is in fact a horse not a dog and that Scooby Snacks are really just sugar cubes. This might explain why Mr. Doo frequently had a saddle on his back and was mounted by Shaggy on various occasions. In addition, this explains his speech impediment since everyone knows horses’ large teeth make it more challenging for them to articulate their S’s. The second of the scandals was so astonishing that it triggered worldwide protests, which were particularly forceful in Ukraine. Many people apparently didn’t understand that Scooby Doo was fictional or animated and thought it was a documentary series similar to Ghost Hunters. People thought that four young adults and a talking dog that was really a horse were actually making a career of exposing criminals pretending to be paranormal creatures. They also didn’t take into account the fact that the people were cartoon-looking and had thought it was just a problem with their television screens. These scandals sparked so much backlash that everyone involved in the show were criminally charged for fraud and have been in prison since then.
Dr. Phil Doctorate Scandal
By now everyone has seen some viral clip of Dr. Phil attempting to help guide some delirious teenager back in the direction of sanity. He’s kind-hearted but firm when necessary and has stolen America’s heart with his balding head and orderly mustache. When his deception was exposed to the American public, the heartbreak was tangible and the song “Somebody that I Used To Know” by Gotye saw a 10,000% increase in streams in the week following. The cause of this surprising act of national sorrow was a story tracing Phillip McGraw’s doctorate. Rather than having a doctorate in psychology or anything related to his job as a talk show therapist, he received his doctorate from Nazarene Bible College in computer science. His complete lack of credibility could be partially redeemed by the fact that computer science is a science so the fields sort of share a category. However, according to Collins Dictionary, “Science is the study of the nature and behavior of natural things and the knowledge that we obtain about them”. This may come as a surprise, but computers are man made, not natural and do not grow in Silicon Valley like many people think. So just like computer science, Dr. Phil is a fraud and doesn’t deserve such a glorious mustache. This columnist for The Milking Cat thus demands that the show change its name just to Phil, and that Phillip McGraw must be replaced with Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson.