Ah, Mother’s Day. The celebration of mothers (hence the name). Here at The Milking Cat, we love mother’s day, for we find that everyone needs a mother. Unfortunately, The Milking Cat doesn’t have a mother. This is because we are not a living entity but a company composed of three high school students (four if you count our social media director but he hasn’t spent money on ads since March). The closest thing we have to a mother is our founder Benji Elkins. But he’s a bitch, so we won’t talk about him on Mother’s Day. Instead, we will talk about our favorite ways, as best as we can imagine, to celebrate Mother’s Day.
1. Buy Flowers for your mother. Soft to the touch, delightful to the nostrils, and pleasing to the eye, flowers are the quintessential Mother’s Day gift. Also it will make your mom feel like a total badass when you point out how crazy it is how us humans have dominion over all life on Earth. Make your mother weep in ecstasy when she realizes that humans have achieved such mastery over the natural world that they have resorted to creating their own breeds of life forms just for fun.
2. Make a homemade card. Give your mother or grandmother a homemade Mother’s Day card to show how much you care about them. Or you could buy them a Hallmark card to show how little you care about them. Make it a funny card if you want to be even more of a disappointment.
3. Kill your father. Mother’s Day is a day for mothers and mothers only, and in the eyes of Zeus we’re technically in the right here. But then again the Ancient Greeks also had Oedipus so we’ll caution you about going down that route.
4. Lactate. The most important part of mother’s day is understanding what it is like to be a mother, and what better way is there than to try to secrete milk through the mammary glands! Also a bonus: after your little celebration, feel free to go above and beyond by breastfeeding your child (or any young child for that matter), if a child isn’t present, we also heard it goes great with raspberry tea.
5. Seize the Means of Production. Nothing says Mother’s Day like a well-meaning Communist uprising right here in the belly of the corporate Capitalist wasteland that is the United States. Show your mom you really care by marching right up to the pigs on Wall Street and smearing their nicely washed windows with human feces. Make it a Mother’s Day to remember by evenly distributing all goods amongst the people, but be sure to save a little extra for that special lady in your life.
6. Protest and celebrate Father’s Day instead. Mother's’ Day is just a money-making scheme to sell more holiday cards. Assert your beautiful free thinking mind by giving gifts and love to your father on the second Sunday of May. Then celebrate Mother’s Day on the calendar’s Father’s Day to really show the world who’s boss.
7. Finish your plate. In honor of both your mother and all the starving kids in Africa, on this day of motherhood, finish all your god damn real food first before moving onto dessert.
Despite our flawed Mother’s Day traditions, we at The Milking Cat would truly like to wish all mothers out there a happy Mother’s Day. Let’s see if we have this detailed of an article come Father’s Day (we won’t).
With love to mothers exclusively and nobody else,
The Editors and Staff of The Milking Cat
*All views, sentiments, and opinions displayed in this article are facetious and not to be taken seriously.*