Murder in the 2016 Honda CRV

By Kai Nelson:


Murder in the 2016 Honda CRV


A Honda CRV parked in the parking lot of a CVS. All characters enter the car. ROBERT sits in the driver’s seat. HANNAH in the passenger seat. LEWIS sits in the back right, COOPER in the middle, and SUZANNE in the back left.


Dialogue commences as they enter and begin to drive. They are all wearing formal clothing.


HANNAH

Ok if we take Main Street we should get there in 15 minutes.


ROBERT

Alright. (To Hannah) You get music. But I swear to god if you play 100gecs I will crash this car.


HANNAH

Boring.


SUZANNE

I like 100gecs!


ROBERT

Fine.


(100gecs’ “Money Machine” begins to play, but ROBERT immediately turns it off)


I changed my mind.


(They drive in silence for a few beats)


ROBERT (Reaching towards the back)

Can I have the *crab hands* thing the orange


SUZANNE

The what?


ROBERT

The *crab hands*


SUZANNE

The Cheetos?


HANNAH

You aren’t eating Cheetos before going to a steak dinner Robert. It took me forever to get this reservation.


ROBERT

Just one!


(Robert looks back into the backseat, where he sees SUZANNE with a knife in her stomach, dead. She is covered in blood. COOPER is also covered in blood. He has clearly murdered SUZANNE.)


ROBERT

What the fuck!


HANNAH

What!


ROBERT

Suzanne’s fucking dead!


LEWIS

Jesus Christ!


COOPER

Oh! She is.


HANNAH

Fucking stop driving Robert what the fuck she’s dead!


ROBERT (Panicked, but perhaps less than he should be)

We need to make this reservation she’s not going to come back to life Hannah Jesus


LEWIS

What the fuck?? Who did this what?


COOPER (Covered in blood)

I don’t know.


LEWIS

Damnit. Hannah? Was it you?


(“Money Machine” resumes)


HANNAH

It wasn’t fucking me Lewis look at Cooper he’s covered in blood.


COOPER (Covered in blood)

No I’m not.


LEWIS

Don’t be ridiculous Hannah. Cooper wouldn’t.


HANNAH

He’s fucking holding an axe!!


(The camera turns to COOPER, who is wiping down an axe)


COOPER

This isn’t for murder.


LEWIS

Obviously not.


ROBERT

Should I call and change the reservation? I’m gonna call.

(“Money Machine” pauses)

Yeah hi sorry I have a reservation tonight for 5, I’m going to need to change that to 4.

(“Money Machine” resumes)


(They drive in silence for a few moments)


ROBERT

Do you think they still do valet if there’s a body in the car?


(ROBERT looks back, LEWIS now has the axe buried in his chest)


ROBERT

Jesus fucking Christ Hannah! What the fuck!


HANNAH

I didn’t do this!


ROBERT

Well who did?


HANNAH

Obviously the one covered in blood holding the fucking knife!


ROBERT

I’m not that stupid Hannah don’t be so idiotic. Now I have to change the reservation again. They’ll probably fucking blacklist me or something for this. (He calls) Yes, sorry I know I just called. I need to switch my reservation to 3 people now.


(The following dialogue overlaps as COOPER is seen leaning into the front seat holding a knife)


HANNAH

It’s obviously Cooper, he’s the only one in the backseat!


ROBERT

Jesus Hannah you need to calm down


HANNAH

I need to calm down? Calm down?!? He’s fucking murdering our friends in the backseat


ROBERT

He said he didn’t do it!


HANNAH

Fucking of course he said he didn’t do it!!!


(Blackout)


COOPER (voice only)

Hi, I need to change a reservation to one.