My Logic Concerning Hell

By Natalie Parker:

Do you ever wonder what Hell is like? I do, all the time. I’m sure you do too, because I am obviously not crazy or obsessed with death or anything. Now, the typical vision is that it is burning up everywhere, right? That the flames engulf and burn everything, because immolation is one of the most painful things out there? Personally, I don’t buy it. First of all, forest fires can actually be an environmental source for good in the world, assuming that they’re permitted to start naturally and run their course. There are some plants that will only drop their seeds if their surroundings are forest-fire hot. Also, sometimes parts of ecosystems just become too old to function, like Dell desktop computers at public schools. Then they can burn down and begin anew. See? Fire can be a force for life. I’m not denying that burning things down on purpose is bad or that fires kill loads of people, I’m just saying that fire isn’t only one thing. It just depends on how you use it, and what causes it (so don’t throw that gender reveal party, my aunt Nellie who lives in California, that’s not the right cause). If Hell is part of the natural order and world and stuff, then if it’s on fire the fire must then also be natural, and I just don’t think that natural fire embodies the kind of evil that Hell is known for, you know?

There was a period of my life when I actually believed that Hell was fire. Then I disregarded that for the reasons above and I decided that Hell was a medieval torture chamber. It made perfect sense to me because those machines were really cruel and stuff, and they were created for the simple purpose of torturing other human beings, which is the purpose of Hell, right? Then I realized that there are people that actually enjoy those things who are just history buffs who are going to be like, “wow, cool!” when they’re stretched out on the rack because they’re reliving history, you know? Also, most of the devices are only for one person at a time, and Hell has eventually got to run out of hideous evil demons to build and run them, right? It’s impossible to meet the demand of all of the people who are constantly dying, and, sure, not all of them go to Hell but with the way things are these days, a lot of them must, particularly everyone who voted for you-know-who in you-know-what, and those people that walk their cats. Of course, the Devil himself isn’t going to go down to help operate the machines, so then people must be the ones to operate them, and that’s obviously flawed. Again, the history buffs are going to be like, “wow, cool!” when they get to operate the rack and all of the scientists and doctors and whoever are going to be observing how long it takes for the victim to snap like a rubber band or like my sanity when it’s 11:58 and Google Classroom won’t let me submit my assignment. So, Hell isn’t a medieval torture chamber.

Then I entertained Satre’s idea of Hell for a while, where he says that Hell can be built just out of other people. No Exit is a great play; everyone should read it, or at least Google the plot synopsis on SparkNotes and get halfway through it before getting bored like I did. Anyways, I thought that it was pretty foolproof, because then there are no issues with shortages or supplies or anything, and people are fantastic at making other people miserable. But then I realized that the kind of people who are going to Hell are the kind that LOVE making other people miserable. So it’s not going to torture them to see themselves upsetting others. And since it’s impossible to perfectly match every single dead person with three other dead people that they are going to exactly hate just because of like probability and stuff, people that love making others miserable are going to be shoved into rooms without anyone to make them miserable. It’s just not practical, you know? So I abandoned that idea.

After that, I lasted a while thinking that Hell didn’t exist at all. There were just too many flaws in the logic. And then I came up with something. Wanna hear it?

This is Hell.

THIS IS HELL!

We’re all in Hell, right now! Think about it. You have happy moments, but you are at least a little bit miserable at all times because you’re CONTEMPLATING YOUR OWN MORTALITY. You pray and pray and pray to a G-d who never answers you properly, and you’re doomed to ruin your own planet. You even do weird crap like drink milk from other animals, despite the fact that whoever came up with that idea was definitely a cow-loving creep. Not only that, but morality has become so complex that you have no hope of ever being a “good person.” And you try and fail to cope properly with the fact that you do not matter in the grand scheme of things because the planet was not created solely for you to live on it! I think it makes perfect sense! Our lives are Hell. But, but but but, it’s just training! You have to learn some simple truths about life on earth before you can ascend to Heaven and everyone goes to Heaven once they die. What are those truths? I have no idea, I can’t even drive properly yet (parallel parking is hard, okay!), but they’re there and you learn them eventually. And then, you die, and you become eternally blessed in Heaven. Isn’t that much nicer than the idea of eternally burning in Hell?

Now, about my theories on Heaven...