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NBA Alternatives

By Spencer Armon:

With the NBA season in limbo due to the Covid-19 pandemic, owners, executives, and fans alike have begun to wonder about what the rest of the 2020 season may look like. After thousands of hours of diligent research, we have gathered the most popular possibilities to help the millions of our loyal subscribers through this trying time.

1. Continue the season at a later date without fans

  • This is likely the most popular option floating around NBA circles. With an average attendance of 20,000 people at games (excluding the Phoenix Suns), normal games simply aren’t safe for the fans. In this scenario, the players and owners who live paycheck-to-paycheck will still receive their badly-needed money in these times of economic uncertainty, while the arena employees get unpaid vacation days for an indefinite period of time. It’s a win-win!

2. Cancel the season

  • Obviously, no one wants this to happen. However, ESPN would surely step in and assist those who miss basketball by airing Lebron and Zion highlights on loop while disregarding all other players and teams as if the season was still going on as normal.

3. Herd immunity

  • Leading epidemiologists contend that the only ways the pandemic will end are through either a successful vaccine or daily lysol shots, which are proven to combat the virus if combined with exposure to natural sunlight. However, the Milking Cat’s in-house doctor suggested an alternative method: herd immunity. After a long discussion with our doctor, Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven agreed to try the strategy and keep Sweden’s economy open because if everyone gets the virus, it can no longer spread. It’s the same logic as when Milking Cat Editor Dan Soslowsky and Usain Bolt play tag and Usain is ‘it.’ Dan knows that he will be tagged eventually, so why not save the energy and stop running. The only difference is that the stakes are slightly higher. The NBA could try a similar approach to Sweden’s or even take it a step further. Instead of waiting for the virus to spread naturally, the NBA can expedite the process by manually infecting all the players. Possible methods for this include a contaminated punch bowl, a kiss train, or a communal bathtub.

4. H.O.R.S.E.

  • This popular trickshot game is generally played in person. However, our idea is that they could take some NBA and WNBA players and televise them playing individually. To make things more interesting, they could add Paul Pierce, who retired in 2017 and probably hasn’t touched a basketball since. Add in grainy camera footage, audio that cuts out, commentators who act entertained, and stretch it out over an excruciating few weeks and it will surely be a huge success.

5. Bubble basketball

  • Essentially, the NBA season would continue as planned but the only twist is that all players stand in inflated bubbles. Not only would it be entertaining to watch players bounce off each other constantly, but the idea enforces proper social distancing practices. Skeptics contend that it would inhibit the ability to dribble, shoot, and pass, but we doubt that those issues will arise.

6. Gamepigeon

  • For readers who worry about the possibility of propagating the virus through leg contact during bubble basketball, Gamepigeon’s iMessage basketball game should ease that anxiety. This modern twist to basketball allows two players to try to make as many foul shots as possible in 45 seconds by swiping with their thumbs. The NBA could continue the rest of the season this way. However, it may be difficult initially as the players don’t have the stamina for such intense exercise.

7. Mascot wrestling

  • Picture this: the lights dim and dramatic music begins to play. A spotlight shines on the curtains. As they open, out walks Franklin the Dog, the mascot of the Philadelphia 76ers, in a stylish singlet. After introductions, all the NBA mascots are locked in a cage where they are left to wrestle in a WWE Hell in a Cell type event where the winner is crowned champion. Early betting odds feature Stuff the Magic Dragon as the favorite at +130 and Boban Marjanovic as a longshot at +10000.

8. The Last Dance

  • Not to be confused with the new Chicago Bulls documentary, this new competition would surely break television viewing records. As part of the newly-negotiated Collective Bargaining Agreement, all NBA players must submit a video of them performing the Renegade dance from Tikok to the league office where they are judged by an expert panel consisting of Shaquille O’Neal, Patrick Swayze, Zendaya, and Abella Danger. The winning player earns the right to have a last dance with Lori Loughlin before she heads to prison for her role in the college bribery scheme, hence the title.

9. Space Jam

  • In the classic movie Space Jam, Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad play against the Monstars, who stole talent from various NBA players. Using the same technology, the Toon Squad could steal talent from two NBA teams at a time and then have each ‘team’ play each other to simulate the rest of the season and determine a champion. This way, the teams still get the opportunity to play one another but they use surrogate bodies so they don’t catch the coronavirus. Opponents of this plan assert that it essentially transfers the risk of getting the virus from the players to the Toon Squad. However, both the CDC and World Health Organization confirmed that animals cannot carry the virus, so everyone but Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd should be just fine.


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