By Nina Patel:
The FDA recently approved a new weight loss supplement called Nourishn’t that claims to “have you looking like a sexy Jack Skellington in no time.” The pill has received glowing reviews from many customers, who have reported feeling “lighter than a feather” and “unable to stand for more than thirty seconds at a time.” One especially satisfied customer gave Nourishn’t a five star review on Amazon, writing, “I am currently unable to walk from my couch to the mirror, but I imagine I look amazing.” Although some critics are concerned with the side effects of not being able to spend time in direct sunlight without disintegrating, Hong Rae, the CEO of Nourishn’t, put out an official statement, shutting down these pessimistic voices. “Haters gonna hate,” he Tweeted last Saturday, putting an end to the ridiculous criticism.
The one concern that Rae did not address in his Tweet was the so-called “hulklike tendencies” that seem to be a side effect of Noursihn’t. This side effect involves the spontaneous ripping off of shirts as customers become uncontrollably angry and throw large-scale temper tantrums that tend to end in major property damage. One customer explained in a review that although she blacked out for over two hours, terrifying her wife and small children by breaking eight windows and her favorite mug, the effectiveness of the pill was worth the side effects. “I’m losing so much weight that I barely exist anymore!” She wrote, “My hair is even falling out and I’ve shrunk about three inches shorter! I do miss my mug though.” Another happy customer described “hulking out” in the middle of her sister’s wedding after multiple passive aggressive comments from their mother about her recent divorce. While she did have to pay the full price of the karaoke machine and cheesy photo booth she broke, she described the whole event as “overall really cathartic.”
The FDA put out an official statement about the increasing hulk problem, stating, “It’s probably fine, okay? It’s really not any of your business. People seem happy enough––just let them live their lives. Nourishn’t definitely didn’t pay us off, so just don’t worry about it.” Despite the FDA’s advocacy for Nourishn’t, local police are nervous about the effect of these hulk attacks on community life. “People are scared to leave their houses,” reported one officer, still shaken from his attempt to subdue a Nourishn’t user who was frantically using the heel of her stiletto as a pickaxe to destroy a brick wall. “No one is safe. These people are lunatics. And they’re really mean! I think one of them stole my sandwich out of my car while I was trying to arrest her friend. My wife made that sandwich. It was ham and cheese––my favorite. I always have a ham and cheese sandwich at exactly twelve o’clock every day. I’ve been on this job for fifteen years and I’ve seen some crazy shit, but no one has ever had the audacity to steal my ham and cheese sandwich.” Despite the police department’s best efforts to find the kidnapped sandwich, the mission was unsuccessful. The investigation into Nourishn’t has been put on hold as the world grieves for the loss of the innocent sandwich.