By Hannah Brooks:
Nine Things to do With Your Leftovers
by Hugh Mann, Columnist Who Definitely Typed This With Opposable Thumbs
The return of the holiday season means the return of mass leftovers, and therefore the return of the eternal Monday-morning question: once twenty of your closest friends have left, what should you do with that half a bowl of sweet potatoes that have turned brown on the outside so no one wants to eat them anymore? Have no fear, party hosts of the world. I, a bonafide person who walks on two legs and only two legs, have compiled nine of my favorite kitchen tips that will have you turning various leftovers into… not leftovers.
On with the list!
Number One: Plant-based Products: Compost.
Leftovers can be good for the planet. So, throw your banana scraps in the soil, and you’re done! This one is easy, but not my favorite. There are much better uses for leftovers than the Earth. Pssshhh.
Number Two: Meat: Give To Your Dog.
This is one of the handiest tips I’ve come across. Dogs love leftovers! I have never met a dog who doesn’t like leftovers. In fact, an official, unbiased poll that I took states, statistically, that dogs are 100% happy to eat your leftovers. As a side note, please don’t look into that poll. I promise, it was very official.
Number Three: Poultry: Give To Your Friends’ Dogs.
Listen, if for some bizarre reason your dog doesn’t like leftovers, I’m sure your friends’ dogs will. I have heard, from reliable sources with extremely accurate perceptions of time and color, that even your neighbors’ dogs might enjoy some chicken scraps. It’s worth an ask.
Number Four: Fish: Leave On The Floor In An Accessible Spot.
Homo sapiens worldwide (like me) agree that leaving aquatic leftovers on the floor unsupervised is super duper useful. After all, that way they can be more easily enjoyed by… people… who are closer to the ground. Like babies! Yes, this piece of advice is all for babies. No one else. Bonus: the fish will act as an air freshener for next time you have guests over.
Number Five: Cheese: Drop Into Your Dog’s Food Bowl, Oops, Completely By Accident.
Folks, it happens. Even beings of superior intelligence, such as I, make mistakes. It would therefore be more than understandable if you should happen to drop a pound or seventeen of cheddar into your dog’s dinner plate. I assure you, he or she (or they, of course) will not be angry at you. Nobody’s perfect.
Number Six: Beverages: Have a Water-Balloon Fight!
There is no better use for extra lemonade or Sprite than playing some games. Fact: fun for the whole family is, more often than not, stored in the dregs of a pitcher. Personally, I recommend this option outside, on a sunny day, in a patch of mud, in which you can roll around for added ambience. Or, if you’d prefer, your dog can do this step for you. I hear they love that sort of thing.
Number Seven: Peanut Butter: Mail To A Good Cause.
Peanut allergies plague probably a gazillion or so people every day, so it’s likely a good idea to get rid of your peanut products altogether. But worry not, because the Partnership for Underused Peanut Products, a division of the International Eating Society (PUPP-IES) was founded for this very reason. As Chairman of the Partnership, you may mail your charitable peanut butter to my home address:
℅ Doug Owen Eur, Partnership for Underused Peanut Products
101 International Eating Society Drive
Number Eight: Dessert: Divide and Conquer.
Dessert leftovers can be finicky. There are just so many types, it’s difficult to keep track! My advice? Split up your desserts into two main categories. The first division I recommend making is sugar- and wheat-based desserts. Cakes? Lollies? Biscuits? Check, check, and check. I say, keep them for yourself and share them with your family. There is no such thing as dessert going bad. On a totally unrelated note, a recent study states canines, with their cute and extremely deserving little faces, are considered to be members of the family by basically everybody ever. Just putting that out there. That is, of course, only one of the two aforementioned classifications of dessert, which brings me to our last and final point…
Number Nine: Chocolate: Burn It.
Good grief, why do you even have chocolate in your house?! You do know that stuff is deadly to some of us, right? Buddy, I couldn’t care less what you do with your chocolate — just get it out of here, now. Burn it, bury it, send it to the soldiers.
Or, better yet, gift it to your cats. I hear they love that sort of thing.