By William Herff:
Let me paint the picture. I’m at a party, an absolute rager, squirming through a sea of sweaty teens and red solo cups. The loud music threatens to rupture my ear drums. I stumble into the kitchen. My glow-in-the-dark Rick and Morty T-shirt fades, losing its flair in the brightly lit room. Damnit.
One of my homies is lighting his cigarette on the stove.
“What’s good Mr. Magoo,” I say.
He shoots me a judgmental glance, ignoring my salutation, bumping into me (on purpose) while leaving. Stupid idiot. I’ll show him.
I quickly find a bowl, a spoon, and some milk (2% but it will do). There’s only one thing missing. I locate the pantry. Frosted Flakes. Score.
Making my way back into the crowd, people lose their minds. I have just played the ultimate power move. I’m the talk of the night. The sun begins to come up, and everyone is thinking the same thing. Who was that edgy bad boy? We should totally hang out with him again.
None (absolutely zero) of that happened because I wasn’t invited. Again. However, I imagine that’s how the evening would transpire.
After much theorizing, I have concluded that eating cereal is way cooler than smoking, and no one can change my mind. I have condensed my thoughts into three easily digestible points.
The Risk Appeal
Eating cereal is a dangerous game not for the faint of heart, especially when done in public. A bowl sloshing with milk, a mountain of flakes balanced on a spoon as it is lifted to the mouth, cereal eating is a balancing act that cautious nerds should avoid. The other day I ate cereal in line at the grocery store. People actually came up to me to commend my adroitness. Three girls even gave me their numbers, or what I thought were their numbers. Two of them were not real. The third directed me to the local mental hospital. Eating cereal is being the mother who decided to take her newborn baby into the mosh pit at a Drake Concert. It’s risky as hell. But if you don’t spill anything or like...drop a baby, you look like a total badass.
I like chewing on a miniature toilet paper roll filled with leaves. Sorry I meant to say, I like smoking. Smoking is kind of boring. All cigarettes look the same. All Tobacco, from my understanding, tastes the same. Everything's the same and that is lame (rhyme very much intended). Luckily, cereal offers plenty of room for customization. If you’re a lightweight, you might mix 1% with corn flakes, while more experienced eaters may opt for Fruit Loops in a chocolate milk base. However, the actual milk and cereal only touch the tip of the iceberg in terms of personalization. A library of unique bowls and spoons can be built up that represent your personality and interests. My friend Chowder is really into this trend. Last Christmas, his entire wish list was composed of Among Us ceramic cereal vessels and Fortnite-themed utensils. To say he’s made some new friends this year would be the understatement of the century. Similarly, when I hit the town with my Chewbacca bowl filled with Cocoa Krispies, the Marlboro man can suck my 12-inch Charizard spoon.
3. The High
You can in fact get high on cereal. Take it from a guy who has never smoked weed or actually been high ever. There’s nothing like chain eating through a Family-sized box of Frosted Flakes. With all that sugar coursing through your veins at once, it is an out of body experience. The crunch, the snap, the crackle, and the pop (for my Rice Krispy lovers out there), only enhance enjoyment. It's like doing cocaine while listening to ASMR. That’s right, on the weekends, I double as a coke addict. Your friends got Marijuana? I’d rather get high on Life. Thanks.
So, next time you see me at the party, don’t pass me dat joint man. Pass me dat milk (and cereal) instead.