By Benji Elkins:
When President Trump said he was considering banning Tik Tok, I cheered. And no, it wasn’t because everyone on the platform was hotter than me, it was because I was concerned for the security of our nation.
The video-sharing platform Tik Tok was recently discovered to be trafficking in forms of undercover data-mining, gleaning extraneous information off of its user base. The app’s underhanded tactics pose an immense threat to the privacy of United State’s citizens (but certainly pose no threat to my ego and self-image) and therefore must be curbed.
You may say, “Who cares? If I enjoy the app why should I care if they know more than they should?”
Simply put, it’s because all those Tik Tok stars with six packs, luscious wavy hair, symmetrical faces, 0.5% body fat, and abilities to perform coordinated and semi-erotic dance moves who I am definitely not jealous of, are pawns of the Chinese government!!
Honestly, I really couldn’t care less about the fact that since I’ve downloaded Tik Tok, my self-esteem has plummeted leading to my parents suggestion that I see a body-image therapist. In no way does that mean Tik Tok makes me feel insecure nor is it a reason I want it banned. That’s just the plain truth.
The only reason I want Tik Tok banned, the ONLY REASON I want to make all those skinny hot boys pay for their egotistical little videos they make flaunting their good looks, is because the app has, like, privacy issues or something.