Outtakes From A Failed Rap Career

By Eli Osei:


1. INT. MUSIC STUDIO. NIGHT.


It's Friday night in New York City and Saturday morning in London, but JAUN DISS and his crew don't know this. They've never understood timezones. On the third floor of a fifteen-story building, Jaun Diss prepares to thrown down.


JAUN DISS

Hey, yo.


JAUN'S SIS, Jaun Diss' sister, stands outside the music booth, mixing the beat and pretending to have a good time.


JAUN'S SIS

Hey, yo.


JAUN DISS

Check it.


JAUN'S SIS

Check it.


JAUN DISS

One more time.


JAUN'S SIS

One more time.


JAUN DISS

Two more times.


JAUN'S SIS

Two more times?


JAUN DISS

Three more times.


Jaun's Sis slams down a button and talks into a tiny mic.


JAUN'S SIS

Eyo, Jaun. Can we get this Jaunt going?


JAUN DISS

Maaaan, Jaun's Sis is quick with them puns. Let's light up.


Jaun's sis moves away from the microphone and takes a seat.


JAUN DISS

Hey, yo. Check it. One more time. Jaun Diss on the beat.


CUT TO:


TITLE CARD: OUTTAKES FROM A FAILED RAP CAREER


CUT TO:


2. INT. BROOKLYN STREET CORNER. LATER THAT NIGHT.


Jaun Diss and Jaun's Sis stand back-to-back. They know you can never be too careful in "these streets". Jaun's Sis smokes a doobie. They've run out of puns.


JAUN DISS

Rap game ain't ready for me.


JAUN'S SIS

Jaun, the hip-hoppification of the English language is a disease and so are you. What did I say about when we're out the booth?


JAUN DISS

You said that we talk the Queen's English when the rapping be finish. Spinach. Sandwich. Ditch. Eminem rhymed orange with door hinge. Anything is possible; I adore him; you abhor him. Word.


JAUN'S SIS

Nothing you say is real.


JAUN DISS

Nothing is real. Philosophy. Apostrophe. Jaun's sis hates when Jaun Diss takes the piss. Word.


JAUN'S SIS

Word.


CUT TO:



3. INT. MUSIC STUDIO. THE NEXT MORNING


Jaun Diss inside the booth. Jaun's Sis outside of it. Jaun Diss stayed up to watch Jeen-Yuhs. Jaun Diss so out of it. Jaun Diss woke up and found Jesus. Jaun Diss so proud of it.


JAUN DISS

Man, I'm telling you, the key to good rap is in the book of Moses. That's why Kanye wrote Roses.


JAUN'S SIS

Pipe down and hop on this beat.


JAUN DISS

Why you think we say word up?


JAUN'S SIS

You ready?


JAUN DISS

The lord's message is the most high. I'm telling you why.


Jaun's Sis presses the music button. She can't remember the technical word for it, and neither can I. The music starts to play. It's the hottest thing to come out of a garage since Steve Jobs. Whew, that man could pull off a turtleneck.


JAUN'S SIS

Let's take it from verse two.


JAUN DISS

Aight. Jaun Diss on the beat. Yeah. Can't say I believe in party politics. Too many polidicks; too few polichicks. Not to assign reproductive organs to genders. No Ben Shapiro, no time for conservative benders. Lord, I love you.


Jaun's Sis looks visibly confused.


JAUN DISS

(CONT'D)

I met Jesus Christ, I'm never going to Hail. I'm more of an overcast cloud; the type that ain't going to bail. I loved Ye's new album, but hated the talk of jail. We on an ultralight beam. We on an ultr-


Jaun's Sis presses the music button again. The beat stops.


JAUN DISS

Darn! I was making history! What on Coronation Street is the matter with you, Jaun's Sis?


JAUN'S SIS

It, uh, it felt too familiar, uh, sounded a bit like-


JAUN DISS

Dangit, no you're right, that does remind me of Prince's early work. Let's take it from, uh, "conservative benders"?


JAUN'S SIS

Yeah, whatever, that works, man.


She presses the music button.


JAUN DISS

No time for conservative benders. JFK was a political hit. I'm tired of this populist shiz.


Jaun's Sis looks visibly confused, again.


JAUN DISS

(CONT'D)

Billie Jean was MJ's first hit. I'm tired of this Beat It shiz.


Jaun's sis presses the music button.


JAUN'S SIS

Shit!


JAUN DISS

I thought it was alright.


JAUN'S SIS

Jaun Diss, the word is "shit"!


JAUN DISS

The word is the light that guides us through the darkness of the world.


JAUN'S SIS

No, Jaun Diss, the line. The line is "I'm tired of this populist shit." And then you mention MJ.

(Beat -- She takes off her hat and lowers her head as a sign of respect.)

Bless his soul.


JAUN DISS

Amen.


Jaun's Sis looks up.


JAUN'S SIS

And then the real next line is, "I'm tired of this Beat It shit."


JAUN DISS

I don't swear anymore.


JAUN'S SIS

What?


JAUN DISS

Gosh darn, sis, I walk in the light of Abraham and all who came before him now. I don't swear.


JAUN'S SIS

So you're a prophet?


JAUN DISS

J. Cole's a false one, but I'm the real deal.


JAUN'S SIS

And when you spoke to the angels, what did they say about your new anti-swearing agenda messing up your album's rhyme scheme?


JAUN DISS

They said that rap isn't about rhyme and that life isn't about time. Rhyming's for dopes anyway. They also said that there were Grammys in my future, man I wish you knew her. Her being the angel. Her name was Michaela. Run the beat back. I'll spit these bars like a sneak attack. Out with the rhyme scheme. In with the christian theme.


Jaun's Sis presses the music button.


JAUN DISS

Someone tell Biden he looks starstruck. Someone tell Bieber I don't wanna f--


CUT TO:



4. INT. TV STUDIO DRESSING ROOM. EVENING. EXACTLY ONE YEAR LATER.


Jimmy Fallon stands alone in his dressing room. Suited up, hair pushed back, everything about him is normal. Everything except one thing: he's wearing socks on his hands. He looks into the mirror and smiles. He raises his left hand. He stares at it. He raises his right hand. He stares at it. He looks at himself. He looks at his sock puppet friends. He smiles.


JIMMY

(Moving his right hand, talking in a high-pitched voice)

I just love New York.

(Moving his left hand, talking in a low-pitched voice)

Me too. There's so much to see.

(Right hand)

And so much to be.

(Left hand)

It's the greatest city in the world.

(Right hand)

With the greatest people.

(Left hand)

Like Jimmy!

(Right hand)

Oh, I just love Jimmy!

(Left hand)

I wish more people loved Jimmy.

(Right hand)

He can be a bit inauthentic at times.

(Left hand)

I'm saying like!

(As himself, to his hands)

Hey guys, watch it.

(Right hand)

That's what wrists are for.

(As himself- he laughs and then, remembering that his hands can't stand him, he frowns)

It's so difficult to be a Funny-Man these days. You guys wouldn't understand.

(He lifts his hands to his eyes and stares at them both)

You guys have no idea what I go through. I look like this so you can look like that. I never wanted this. I wanted to be in a band. I wish I was Questlove. I wish I found love. I hate-


A production assistant, who has spent the last 15 minutes waiting at the door, finally works up the courage to speak.


PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Mr, um, Mr Fallon they're ready for you.


Jimmy turns his head so slowly you'd think he was due for an oiling. He smiles at the production assistant with all his teeth.


JIMMY

Oh, I know they are. I know it.


He takes off his socks. The ones on his hands, not his feet.


CUT TO:



5. INT. TV STUDIO SET. 20 MINUTES LATER.


Jimmy sits at his desk. His fingers are free. The audience is happy. He's still wearing that brick wall of a smile. QUESTLOVE and The Roots look tired. Questlove won an Oscar. Questlove can't work out why he's still here. Jimmy looks into the crowd. He recognises no one.


JIMMY

Let's hear it for Chuck E. Cheese! Love that guy. Our next guest is the best and only Christian rapper since Kanye West. His debut album "I'm not a rapper; I'm a medium" is still at number one 45 minutes after its release. Please welcome a rapper, a lover, a Grammy-award winner, and a personal friend, Jaun Diss!


Questlove and the roots play the first eight bars of the greatest song we'll never hear. Jaun Diss walks out onto stage. He is greeted by scattered applause. No one recognises him.


JAUN DISS

Jimmy!


JIMMY

Jaun!


JAUN DISS

Quest!


QUESTLOVE

Hey?


The Roots stop playing. Jimmy stands up to shake Jaun Diss' hand. Jaun Diss hugs Jimmy. The studio is silent. Jimmy hasn't been hugged in months; he doesn't know how to react. He sits down.


JIMMY

Wow! Please take a seat. Wow!


Jaun Diss picks a chair up.


QUESTLOVE

Wow.


Jaun Diss puts the chair down.


JAUN DISS

Jaun Diss loves them puns.


He looks up at nothing in particular.


JAUN DISS

I know the big man is En-Jaun-Diss.


No one laughs. He sits down.


JIMMY

So, Jaun.


JAUN DISS

Jimmy.


JIMMY

A lot of my viewers don't know who you are.


JAUN DISS

Word?


JIMMY

Yeah, man.

(He looks at his notes)

Straight...up.


JAUN DISS

I'm Jaun.


JIMMY

Where does a name like that come from?


JAUN DISS

Jaun?


JIMMY

Jaun Diss.


JAUN DISS

Man, same place a name like Jimmy Kimmel comes from. From my mamma.


JIMMY

Kimmel?


JAUN DISS

Diss? Jaun Diss?

(He looks at the audience)

This dude's so stupid he forgot his own name.


The audience laughs.


JIMMY

Good one.

(He looks at the audience)

He knows; he knows I'm Fallon. Jaun's all about them jokes.


JAUN DISS

Nah man. I ain't fallon for no ruse. Jaun Diss loves them puns. I know you be Kimmel. We don't mess with Fallon where I'm from.


JIMMY

The Upper East Side?


JAUN DISS

Straight up.


JIMMY

(To the audience)

Jaun and I met at a charity dinner.


JAUN DISS

We was raising money for men with big noses.


JIMMY

(To Jaun)

Tragic.


JAUN DISS

Tragic.


JIMMY

(To the audience)

Anyway, at the dinner, I told him that the one thing that pissed me off most was when people confused me with Kimmel.


Jaun takes out his phone and dials a number.


JIMMY (CONT'D)

We've hung out at least three times since that night. That makes Jaun Diss a bestie. I know my boy's tryna test me. But I'm with him for the restie.


Jimmy looks at Questlove, waiting for validation in the form of a three-bar jam. Questlove looks away.


JAUN DISS

(On the phone)

Yeah, okay, I'll wait. Yeah, he still talking. He still talking.


JIMMY

Jaun?


JAUN DISS

(Still on the phone)

I gotta go.


Jaun Diss puts his phone away.


JIMMY

Who was that?


JAUN DISS

No one.


JIMMY

Remember what I said at sleepover two?


JAUN DISS

Not really.


JIMMY

NO secrets! NO SECRETS? SECRETS ARE MAN'S BIGGEST SIN. I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHRISTI-


Enter Jaun's Sis.


JAUN'S SIS

Hold up! Who is this man?


JIMMY

(visibly angry)

I'M JIMMY FALLON!


CUT TO:



6. INT. SCHOOL HALL. MID-AFTERNOON. 1987. FLASHBACK.


Jimmy Fallon, 13 years old, stands alone on stage. There is a microphone on a stand in front of him. In front of the stage is a panel of judges seated at a dollar-store table. Behind the table is an underwhelmed audience. Jimmy Fallon shakes nervously.


JIMMY

(prepubescent in nature)

Can I, can I get that in a sentence?


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I'm action star Arnold Schwarzenegger and today's guest judge. If you don't know me, that's okay. We've only done one Terminator movie, but maybe that'll change soon. Maybe I'll, I'll, maybe I'll be making a return. Of course you can get that in a sentence, Jimmy. Puppet. Pinocchio is a marionette; he is not your ordinary puppet.


JIMMY

Ahhh! Thanks, Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. I thought The Terminator was a bit contrived. Not so sure you'll get the studio to back you for a sequel, but I'm just a thirteen-year-old kid who's never been on the big screen. What do I know? Puppet. P-U-P-P-E-D. Puppet.


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Sorry, Jimmy, that's not right, you arrogant prick. Puppet. P-U-P-P-E-T.


JIMMY

I said that.


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You said

(quickly)

P-u-p-p-e-d


JIMMY

T!


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

D!


JIMMY

It was my lisp!


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Come on!

(said like a true Schwarzenegger)

Arghhghrhhh.


JIMMY

Eat dust, old man.


ACTION STAR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Security!


Enter JIMMY KIMMEL, 20 years old. He is wearing a nametag that says, "Jimmy (Kimmel)" and pants he got from the "reduced" rack.


JIMMY F

Jimmy.


JIMMY K

Jimmy!


JIMMY F

Look man, one J-mister to another. This is all a big mistake.


JIMMY K

Nothing I can do, Jimbo. Jimmy F has to go.


JIMMY F

Please, Jim. Don't listen to him.


JIMMY K

He's the boss. J-dizzle-Jim-sizzle, you've got to get the toss.


Jimmy K grabs Jimmy F.


JIMMY F

You'll regret this.


JIMMY K

Sure I will.


JIMMY F

They'll remember my name.


JIMMY K

I doubt that.


JIMMY F

What?


JIMMY K

I doubt that?


CUT TO:



7. INT. TV STUDIO SET. PICKING UP FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF.


JIMMY

What?


JAUN'S SIS

I said I doubt that. I said I doubt that you're Jimmy Fallon, man! Where'd you go? That was trippy, Jimmy K, damn drippy. You just disappeared.


JIMMY

(To the camera)

Stick around till after the break to see Jaun Diss perform his latest single "Santa ain't real, America likes to steal, JC is the actual deal". I'm Jimmy Kimmel and you're watching Jimmy Kimmel Live.


JAUN'S SIS, JAUN DISS, AND QUESTLOVE

Straight up.


CUT TO BLACK