Party XXXity

By Sophie Cohen:


Late Tuesday morning, Party XXXity, a high-end escort service operating out of the basement of a Lutheran Church, announced that customers can now request visits from call girls wearing “unconventional attire.”

The stripwear that Party XXXity’s call girls can now sport includes The Jebediah’s Revenge, a beige, Amish-style hook-and-eye pull-off romper with sheer panelling across the midsection, The Extraterrestrial, an E.T.-style bodysuit assembled out of mud and loose foreskin purchased from a Moyel on Etsy, and finally, The Carolor, a floor-length gown with a deep V, modeled after traditional Christmas Caroler attire, but manufactured poorly enough to double as a Handmaid's costume.

Party XXXity’s call girls are spectacularly beautiful, extraordinarily stupid, and doused in perfume so strong it feels like a sledgehammer to the nose. Each call girl is equipped with the select set of skills that Party XXXity believes will make their characters come to light.

Call girls wearing The Jebediah’s Revenge are available for any occasion. Want to spice up a work dinner? A baby shower? Even a funeral?! Party XXXity has you covered. Call girls wearing The Jebediah’s Revenge typically honor the Amish practice of avoiding divorce, so if you invite one to your bachelor party in Las Vegas after a night of Jello shots and DUIs, chances are one of your friends will wake up the next morning with a few missing teeth and a lifelong partner.

Call girls wearing The Extraterrestrial are always out of this world! Perfect for those who have previously been forced to take a certain little blue pill to protect their masculinity; these call girls are equipped with the power of telekinesis that can help with… well, you know... that.

Call girls wearing The Caroler can be expected to be unusually joyful. But joy isn’t the only thing they will be spreading this holiday season! Each call girl will be equipped with all eight strains of herpes and an annoying tendency towards evangelicalism.

Party XXXity’s call girls are excited to represent the company in their new unconventional adornments, deviate from the traditional hooker costumes-- cops, referees-- and take a more modest, less authoritarian approach to their profession.