Paul Simon Ruined My Love Life


Paul Simon Ruined My Love Life: 5 Real Letters to Paul Simon Regarding His Problematic Breakup Advice


By Noa Garmaise:




“Slip out the back, Jack”

Hey Paul Simon,


It’s Jack here. A couple years ago you suggested that I “slip out the back” of my house in order to get out of my relationship of two and a half years. While I appreciated the advice from a Grammy winner like you, I think maybe you should stick to producing Top 40 Hits. It would have been logistically easier to exit using the main entrance as the moving van was parked in the front of the house. It was hard to leave my ex discretely when it took an extra four hours schlepping the boxes around the backyard. If you’re gonna be giving advice like this you should at least consider the layout of the homes you’re wrecking.


#1 biggest fan of “You Can Call Me Al” by the way.


Kind Regards,


Jack



“Make a new plan, Stan”

Dear Paul Simon:


My name is Stan and I’m writing to you from a loveless marriage. I would like to express my concern over some breakup advice you gave me at a meet and greet at one of your concerts. I communicated some distress over my engagement and you simply told me to “make a new plan”. I felt that point to be fairly obvious as a new plan would be necessary to avoid my impending marriage. Thanks to your vague instructions, me and Linda will be celebrating our seventeenth wedding anniversary this June. Please know that your fans are real people, not just opportunities for you to make yourself giggle with your little rhymes.

Also, I’ve always wanted to know — Do you get along well with Art and do you guys have any funny stories from tour?


Sincerely,


Stan



“You don’t need to be coy, Roy”

Hi there Paul Simon,


Hope you’re doing well. I definitely should have been more coy than you suggested. I told my boyfriend I was leaving and listed everything I didn’t like about him (as you recommended!). He did not react as well as you led me to believe he would. You should have considered advising a more sensitive approach as my boyfriend and I work in the same office and share a dog named Dexter. I haven’t seen Dexter in twenty-two months. Also, you said that you had fifty breakup suggestions, but at least forty-five of them have never seen the light of day. How do you sleep at night?


Side note. I heard that you were close friends with Lorne Michaels in the 70s and I think that’s really cool and interesting.

Have a great day,


Roy



“Hop on the bus, Gus”

Mr. Paul Simon —


You sadistic son of a bitch. “You don’t need to discuss much,” you said. “Just hop on the bus,” you sang. Well, my wife found my bus ticket in my jacket pocket and she was not pleased. She was all like, “Gus, what were you thinking? We have three kids… We just bought this house… Did you think you could just leave without being noticed?”. Thanks a lot, Paul Simon. My wife won’t give me my ticket back and that was the last bus for the weekend. I’m sleeping on the couch because of you.


Unrelated, I heard about your volunteer work providing medical care to children without access to adequate health services. Is there someone I can email to get involved? Would love to give back to the community.


Best wishes,


Gus




“Just drop off the key, Lee”

Greetings Paul Simon,


My name is Lee and I ended a fling after our talk last year. Although my relationship was not that serious, the fallout most certainly was. Apparently the girl I was seeing was not aware that I had a key to her apartment. When I returned it she was visibly upset and quite angry. You should have been more specific in your guidance because I definitely wouldn't have returned the key if I knew it would cause these problems. I blame you for my name being blacklisted from Tinder. My name, however, has become a central feature on a site identifying predators. I will never find love now.


Anyways, “Bridge Over Troubled Water” got me through some really rough years with my family and for that I’m forever grateful.


Yours truly,


Lee