Potions I Came up With in the Shower

By Clay Grinnan

Santa Monica Sunburn Detector: Alerts you every single time someone gets a bad sunburn at Santa Monica Pier. Side effects include: A crab will pinch you every time you mention Greek mythology (once daily), the dog targets you at the dinner table, the Midnight Barber gives you a sideways mohawk.

Granny’s Favorite: Your eyes slightly shift color every time a half-blind dog tries to hump a raccoon. Side effects include: The raccoon in question gets pregnant with an eldritch horror, Clorgnath returns in a new vessel, runny nose.

The Egg Generator (Work in Progress): Clumps of your hair that are no longer attached to you will slowly condense (5-10 days) into an infertile pigeon egg. Side effects: The egg hatches anyways, your hair grows into a different hairline each month before falling out, you might start being allergic to salami. 

Trout Tonic: All fish you touch gain human-like intelligence for five minutes before suddenly dying. Side effects include: You die instead, the fish builds a time machine, all burgers you eat turn into a Hot Cheetos Twinkie Smash Burger.

Screw You Brew: If you place a pebble on your head, your middle finger grows an extra digit. Can be reversed by flipping someone off. Side effects include: bird poop magnetizing towards you, getting caught in a situation that makes you seem like you’re dating someone who you aren’t, a third nipple growing on your left elbow.

Bubble Brew: All body wash, shampoo, and/or conditioner makes extra bubbles in the bath, but only if it’s a Dove product. Side effects include: temptation to try the Dark Arts, fish rain, a little dude named Fred in your pipes for the rest of the day.

Frogbrain: Swaps someone’s mind with a frog for an hour. Be wary of nearby frogs, especially when nearby anything related to algebra. It didn't end well last time… Side effects include: sudden country accent, aptitude at voodoo, a single bright pink curly hair that hangs on your forehead. 

Extra Nugget: Next time you order anything fast-food related, a mysterious chicken nugget will appear at the bottom of the bag. Side effects include: Hallucinations of floating onion rings, inability to control the movement of your left arm when you hear a fast food jingle, and instantaneous death.

They’re Still Wings: You get pigeon wings. They are not optimized to support your body weight and still basically do nothing. Side effects include: permanent feather on your back, one of those ugly white sunscreen noses whenever you wear sunscreen, and the inability to detect glass for a short amount of time after taking the potion. 

Whimsical Butterflies: When you extend your pointer finger in a whimsical fashion while near  flowers, nearby pollinators will perch on your finger. Side effects include: a sense of whimsy, sudden outburst of amazing weather, and the snail gets closer. Let your local witch know if you pressed the button before taking this potion. 

Sweetie McCutesy’s Rainbow Sunshine Cupcake Happy World Peace Unicorn Potion: The next person you point at DIES. Side effects include: The Rapture, a resurgence of the Communist Party, an eternal black night sweeps across a five square foot radius around the nearest cursing parrot.

Origami Copier: You can recreate any piece of origami you see from memory. Also, the origami is immune to all forces of destruction until it is un-folded. Side effects include: Angry geese that chase you every time you’re near a body of water, your favorite cousin gets mad at you at the next family gathering, the Nintendo Switch 2 goes out of sale every time you have enough money to buy it.

X-Ray Vision: You can see through any material. However, everything you see through that material is blurred, and using this ability gives you a headache. Side effects include: Heart failure, unprecedented appreciation for a music genre you previously hated, lawsuits (not as a side effect of the potion, but because people are very creepy).

Grip Strength Intensifier: Gripping and clenching is extremely effective at the intended purpose. Side effects include: The Ten Plagues, explosive diarrhea (I mean, like, Taco Bell kinda diarrhea), partial brain death.

Bonus Coats: Every time you take off a coat and say “coat”, another coat will appear from underneath. Side effects include: Chills, missing left shoe, fatty tumor growth on the scalp.