By Dan Soslowsky:
The Milking Cat’s back at it again with a new article covering the biggest topic on everybody’s mind: breakfast cereal. And more specifically: what if all of the breakfast cereal mascots were in a big fight with each other? Well, loyal reader, you’ve come to the right place.
But first, let’s go over a few things. We must establish that the fight is taking place in a closed environment, meaning that there are no nearby resources within the arena-- such as rocks, trees, or C-100 rocket launchers-- that they could use against each other. Going along with this, each mascot is defined by whatever is represented on the cereal’s box. For example, if Cap’n Crunch is holding a spoon in the image, then he is allowed to bring the spoon to the fight. This also means that if the box depicts multiple characters as its mascot, then there will be those multiple characters fighting as one team. This can be seen in the “Snap, Crackle, Pop” scenario, where all three of the famous Rice Krispies mascots (Are they roommates? Lovers?) will be allowed into the arena.
Furthermore, any previous relationships that may have taken place between the mascots (because everybody knows all the mascots are friends when they’re not filming commercials) are not being taken into consideration in this battle. In other words, we can assume that all of the mascots, much like my extended family when someone mentions politics at Thanksgiving, are actively trying to fight each other.
Lastly, it is important to note that this ranking in no way reflects the cereal itself. Only the characteristics of the mascots are being taken into consideration, not the actual food. Except Special K-- that stuff sucks. So, without further ado, here is the official ranking:
18. Chex - No Mascot
Coming in dead last is Chex cereal, which doesn’t even have a mascot. Oh, do you hear that? It’s a collective “LA-AME!” from the live studio audience.
17. Special K - the letter K
One tier up from Chex is Special K. While it is still not much of a mascot, Special K does have that giant red K. We suppose that’s something?
16. Cinnamon Toast Crunch - Crazy Squares
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Crazy Squares have indeed demonstrated the strength to lift multiple times their body weight (despite not even having any hands or arms), but regardless of this, they would not be successful in this fight. In every single commercial, those little dudes are practically racing to see who’s gonna eat each other first. It’s completely counterproductive! They would self-destruct before the other mascots could even reach them.
15. Quaker Oats - Quaker
The Quaker Oats Quaker is an able-bodied man, but keep in mind that he is a Quaker. While it was established that the mascots are actively trying to fight each other, being a Quaker is the only thing that we know about him, and therefore, it simply wouldn’t make sense for this rule to apply. The Quaker would just spend the whole fight delivering nonbelligerent speeches and not fighting back when Toucan Sam delivers repeated sucker punches.
14. Apple Jacks - Cinnamon and Bad Apple
While Bad Apple clearly does have lots of bottled-up sexual frustration that would manifest itself in a chaotic wave of fury on the battlefield, it is evenly canceled out by Cinnamon’s calming, pseudo-Jamaican presence. They wouldn't get anything done. Plus, Bad Apple is still lost deep within the grocery store-- we don’t remember there ever being a commercial that ended that whole plotline.
13. Trix - Trix Rabbit
Sure, the Trix Rabbit may be the size of a human person for some reason, but if he’s so spineless that he can’t even take a bowl of cereal from small child (“Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”), how is he supposed to fend off a giant muscular tiger?
12. Corn Flakes - Cornelius Rooster
Coming in at #12 is Cornelius Rooster, the green rooster on the front of the Corn Flakes box. Dude’s just a regular chicken. Could probably throw a solid kick. Not much else to him than that.
11. Rice Krispies - Snap, Crackle, and Pop
You may think that having a team of three characters would get Rice Krispies higher up on the list, but remember that Snap, Crackle, and Pop are actually only a few inches tall. Sure, this allows them to crawl into their opponents’ ears and rupture their respective cochlea, but we simply don’t see them achieving any more than that on the battlefield.
10. Fruity Pebbles - Fred Flinstone
While Fred Flintstone is a caveman, he is not exactly known for his peak physical abilities. He has grown so dependent on his brachiosaurus forklifts and pterodactyl alarm clocks that, quite frankly, he’s lost touch with the stereotypical caveman strength.
9. Froot Loops - Toucan Sam
For some reason, we just don’t see Toucan Sam being very notable one way or the other. He’d probably just fly around, bonk a couple mascots on the head with his beak here and there, and then get eaten by the Cookie Crisp wolf.
8. Cookie Crisp - Chip the Wolf
Chip the Cookie Crisp Wolf is your generic cartoon wolf. He wears a sweatshirt sometimes, we think. While the character itself isn’t particularly interesting, Cookie Crisp was smart in picking an animal that can run up to 35 miles an hour, has the biting capacity of 1,500 pounds of pressure per square inch, and has an earned run average of 5.58. Actually, that last statistic may be about professional MLB relief pitcher Ross Wolf.
7. Cap’n Crunch - Horatio Magellan Crunch
We can all agree that Cap’n Crunch’s service as a naval captain has given him the necessary experience to fight off all of the previous mascots. He was born on Crunch Island, which, as everyone knows, is home to the fiercest warriors in the Sea of Milk (not to be confused with the Ocean of Milk, an ocean from Hindu cosmology that is said to contain the nectar of immortal life), and has battled his adversary Jean LaFoote on multiple occasions, which, again, everybody knows. He’s even climbed up Mount Crunchmore for goodness sakes!
6. Honey Nut Cheerios - Buzzbee
Now, you may be asking, “Now Milking Cat, why is Buzzbee so high up on the list? He’s just a bee!” To that, we say, “Jesus Christ, you impatient snot, let us get to our explanation!” Sure, he is a bee, but he is not just any bee. While an average bee is a bit more than half an inch tall, we can see from the Honey Nut Cheerios commercials that Buzzbee is about the height of singer-songwriter Usher’s face. After crunching the numbers (multiplication, mostly), it is evident that Buzzbee is about 14 times larger than the average bee, and therefore, his sting must be proportionally more powerful as well-- easily enough to kill or maim an adult human-- earning him the #6 spot.
5. Frosted Flakes - Tony the Tiger
First of all, just look at the guy. He’s huge! As if being a literal tiger wasn’t enough, Tony takes it to the next level with his gigantic biceps and broad shoulders, the curves of his throbbing pectorals, his mysterious cat eyes beckoning you to-- uh, ahaha, I mean, uhh… erhm, uh, anyways... uh, ahaha...
4. Cocoa Puffs - Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Anyone who has watched any Cocoa Puffs commercial knows that Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is a whirlwind of raw power. He would destroy an entire metropolitan building if it meant getting to eat a single Puff. Sure, this makes him an enormous burden on society, but society is irrelevant on the battlefield.
3. Lucky Charms - Lucky the Leprechaun
Snatching the bronze title is Lucky Charms’ very own Lucky the Leprechaun. There is no doubt that Lucky’s magical abilities would give him a gigantic leg up in the fight-- and not only because he can magically summon a gigantic leg for high ground. Based on the commercials, Lucky’s powers include flight, summoning big, golden, clover-shaped doors, telekinesis, the ability to sing the Lucky Charms theme song which is only a single rhyming couplet, and more. He’s so badass that he doesn’t even let the kids have the cereal.
2. Count Chocula - Count Chocula
Count Chocula is a literal vampire, which means that he possesses all the powers of a vampire: immortality, super strength, heightened senses, flight, increased speed, rapid healing, control of animals, telepathy, telekinesis, night vision, and heat vision. He does have the weaknesses of vampires as well-- silver, stakes, sunlight, garlic, fire, and holy symbols-- but sunlight is the only weakness that would really come into play in the closed environment that we established earlier. The Quaker Oats Quaker may be carrying some holy symbols, but he would have been wiped off the map by that gigantic bee before he could even get to Count Chocula. We can all agree that Count Chocula’s vampire abilities would allow him to easily overpower any and all of the previous mascots up to this point.
1. Raisin Bran - Sunny the Sun
He’s literally the sun. I mean, come on. In addition to being the literal embodiment of Count Chocula’s key weakness, Sunny would obliterate every other mascot by moving just one inch closer to the Earth. Well played, Raisin Bran. Well played.