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Ranking Milk

By Nataly Delcid

1. Soy milk

2. Almond Milk (tentative)

3. Oatmilk

4. 2% Milk

5. Goat Milk

6. Whole Milk

7. 1% Milk

669999. Skim Milk (derogatory)

Now, let me elaborate. The plant-based milks are superior because the dairy industry makes me want to scream sinister innuendos outside my car window every time I drive by a supermarket. Soy milk’s creaminess is unmatched by thy almond or oat varieties, therefore it wins for being the best milk for me to drink warmly in a mug before Nat Nat goes night night in her jammies. Also nerd virgin fact: soy is the only plant-based food with all essential amino acids in it. Next is almond for its nutty hues–and then oat because although it generally tastes like piss water, it works wonders in a shaken espresso.

Next, we enter the realm of animal milks. The reason 2% shimmied to the top of the list is because of the sweet childhood memories of pouring that sucker in my Fruity Pebbles, and indulging in the fruit-flavored creaminess it tenderly provided (this kind of sounds fucking gross). Next, we have goat milk because Yolanda Hadid drinks it. That’s it. Next, whole milk solely because it’s the closest thing to ice cream that I can justifiably add to this list. Last is skim milk, aka watered down cow jizz.


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