Rating People I’ve Kissed

By Nataly Del


Kiss #1:Middle School– I’ve Said Enough: 6/10 I was in my eighth grade theater class and I somehow wormed my way in with the popular kids' circle while we had a substitute teacher. This sort-of hot bisexual skater boy with a pink buzzcut announced to all the girls in the ‘popular’ circle that he would be willing to kiss any one of us. I told my friend, a tall, stunning, and filthy fucking rich French girl that I would kiss this boy if she kissed ‘Norris,’ an abrupt and slightly sex-obsessed 4’10 boy in our class. Without hesitation, she went for it. Still in amazement, I knew my fate right then and there. Listen, it was just a peck, man, but that’s the golden first kiss story I’ll get to tell my kids one day. He was nice about it, and my underwhelmed self told him I thought my first kiss would be a bigger deal. Then, he said “Did you expect me to bring you fucking fireworks or something?” Ah, young love!


Kiss #2: OK My First ACTUAL Kiss: 6/10


I was snuggling with a guy (shut up) in a dorm room (summer camp). There was absolutely no AC on this midsummer day and we were both stinky and sticky–lovely memories! Eventually, he said “We should just get it over with.” Ah, the words every girl wants to hear! Me, having no idea what the fuck he meant, looked at him dumbdfoundedly. “I feel like we’ve been putting off kissing for a while, we should just do it,” he said. I had already had my first kiss, so I just said OK, and it was kind of dry and uncoordinated in all honesty. However, I actually liked this guy and he was kind of sweet (until he broke my poor 15-year-old simpy self a few weeks later). Therefore, I’ll cut him some slack (maybe).


Kiss #3: An Underwhelmer, Again. 7/10

Technique-wise, this was better, however, kind of lame too. I had a crush on this guy I went to school with for a while, and during a game of spin-the-bottle at our mutual friend’s party, I thought I got my shot when my spin landed on him. A mild amount of tongue was involved but it was very vanilla. No regrets, but I would not repeat this action in the near future. A couple of hours later, though, I fell down a staircase, sprained my ankle, and began to sob frantically for ten straight minutes while everyone at the party surrounded me on the floor in a cult-like circle. Then, my friends drove me home and my angel of a friend, Graysen, stuck cold pancakes on my feet while I cried. Then, the “kisser” carried me to my house at 3 a.m.. This action woke my father up, and he was geared up to beat the shit out of this thin and tall slender-man-like figure breaking into his home at night until he realized he was holding his 16-year-old daughter. Also a lovely fucking memory.


Kiss #4: The Experimentation Era 8/10 Listen, I’m straight (I think), but from personal experience, women are just better kissers because we’re at the very least self-aware and also use those fun candy chapstick flavors! I kissed my friend just because we were bored, and as of now–technique-wise– this is the best kiss I’ve had. I probably won't (soberly) repeat this action , but it's still good to know!


To many more!


Note: I’ve kissed a few more people but they were not memorable enough to be featured (and I also actually do not remember them quite well).