By William Herff:
Anthony Fauci’s new culinary endeavour in SoHo, aptly named Fauci’s, opened Monday to rave reviews by some of the city's top critics. In hopes of validating their claims, I paid the Doc a visit.
You can’t miss Fauci’s. The restaurant’s yawning exterior is stark and clinical, a miniature hospital dropped in the middle of one of New York’s premier shopping districts.
Inside, you will be greeted by a coalition of men in yellow hazmat suits who will proceed to passionately undress you and then reluctantly slip you into a hazmat suit nearly identical to their own. The entry process, albeit unusual, is smooth and efficient. You will not, however, receive your initial clothes back at any point.
If you’ve made it this far, you must be hungry. Luckily for you, Fauci has really worked hard to provide a world-class menu. Some of the highlights include:
Roasted Pangolin Tails:
These delicacies have been seasoned and prepared by the doctor himself. Don’t be afraid! The scales on this reptilian-like creature are meant to be enjoyed.
BBQ Bat Wings:
Eating these scrumptious delights will teleport you to Kansas City. Smoked, fried, and drowned in blood red BBQ sauce, you can’t go wrong here. Mine were on the boney side.
Tangy and oddly fruity, this delicious soup will have you savoring every last spoonful. It doubles as a nice palate cleanser as well.
Mask-arpone and Berries:
Creamy mascarpone with a hint of vanilla. Served with strawberries in a KN95.
Kids Chicken Tenders
Fauci’s true claim to fame is it’s JABBar, and trust me, mixing and matching COVID Vaccines has never been more fun. Upon plopping down on an examination table, you will be given a chance to mix your very own vaccine. From neon Pfizer lemon martinis and Johnson and Johnson manhattans to mapeley Moderna whisky and AstraZeneca Bloody Mary’s, Fauci’s JABBar will keep you busy as you orally (or via enemas) consume a plethora of delicious medical serums. The buzz is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I shivered for 24 hours. I sweated. I started singing Frank Sinatra tunes with a grey siamese kitten apparition wearing a top hat and a monocle. What a joyous time that was!
The best part about it... absolutely zero of it has been approved by the FDA.
When I finally wrapped up my dining experience, I was happy to pay the bill, which was similar to hospital fares these days. I said goodbye to Ralph, the phantom cat I met at the bar, and stumbled out the doors. Upon asking for my clothes back, I was notified that they had long since been disintegrated by a ray gun.
Outside, the empty dark streets were a shock indeed. In my underwear, I was a bit cold too. It appeared my lunch had turned into a dinner and then some. My consciousness flooded back to me. My phone only confirmed my fears. The time read 4:30am, the date read August 5th (I arrived on the 1st), the missed messages from my wife read, “you’ve missed the birth of our child.”
I didn’t even remember getting her pregnant.