By Asher Hancock:
In October of 2000, researchers conducted a survey on twenty kindergarten students in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The main question posed by the survey was “what do you want to be when you grow up?” In October of 2020, Milking Cat investigative reporter Asher “$10” Hancock checked in with those kids once again after all those years. Below is the transcript of the Zoom interview:
Asher Hancock (AH): Hi kids, or,I guess I should say, adults. I believe when you first did this interview, you talked to a 60 year old man named Clive Shafford. Sorry to inform you guys that he’s dead now. They thought, who better to take his place then a 17-year-old kid with no journalistic experience besides writing hilarious fictional stories? I skimmed over some of Clive’s notes but it seems that he spoke exclusively in Shakespearian prose so bear with me. Is Samuel Campana on the call?
Samuel Campana: Yes sir, right here.
AH: No need to call me sir, I am 8 years younger than you and once again I will remind you that I have no qualifications deserving of any formal title. How are you doing today Sam?
Samuel Campana: I’d actually prefer if you called me Samuel. I am doing pretty well but here in Scotland it’s pretty late so I am a little tired.
AH: And when you were five you said you wanted to be a soldier. At the time you said, “my mommy and daddy fight for our country, and I wanna be like them. I want to be a hero and help people.” Why was that?
SC: Both of my parents served in the army and I wanted to be respected like they were. I also was a big fan of the uniforms. I think I really just wanted to do some good for my country and make my family proud.
AH: Where are you now?
SC: Uhh.. when I was 20 I sold everything I owned and moved to Scotland to be with a girl I had met playing Call of Duty. Right now I work at a Karaoke Bar inspired by Hooters except instead of scantily clad women it’s men in kilts. Most of my job consists of drunk American tourists hurling crude comments at me and tipping me extra to do a little jig for them. They seem to think it’s pretty funny but I find it a tad degrading.
AH: Did things work out with that girl?
SC: Oh, turns out she was a 50 year old man, so not really, but we are still pretty good friends.
AH: So what keeps you there and where do you see yourself in the next twenty years?
SC: Well I didn’t really have a backup plan when I dropped out of college to come here, so I don’t really have anything promising to return to. Turns out my parents were pretty mad that I didn’t join the military and I kind of disconnected from all my friends so I wouldn’t even know where to start. In the next five years, I’d definitely like to save up enough money to move out of the apartment of that 50 year old man I mentioned. I’m getting pretty into streaming on Twitch -- up to a solid 14 viewers per stream so I feel like there’s definitely some opportunity there. I have reached out to the military but from their responses I am starting to feel like they don’t really want me. I might try to pick up the bagpipes soon but there is no real financial upside as it is a pretty competitive market in Scotland.
AH: Well as Clive used to say, Thy st'ry is quaint depressing. People wanteth something a dram did bite happi'r. Shalt we moveth on? Is Chloe Masterson here? Well, Clive wouldn’t say “Is Choe Masterson here?” That was me saying that.
Chloe Masterson: Yes, I am here.
AH: So when you were a little kid, you said you wanted to be a teacher when you grew up. You said: “I love my teacher, Mrs. Scablington III, so I want to also be a teacher so I can keep doing arts and crafts when I’m older.”
CM: Yeah well, I really loved the idea of never graduating kindergarten so I saw teaching kindergarten as the next best thing. I actually pursued that into college and got my teaching degree. I even got hired by a school where I taught for a year but then I moved on to bigger things.
AH: And what might those things be?
CM: Selling toe pics on OnlyFans for a 30 dollars monthly subscription.
AH: Do people really pay for that?
CM: I comfortably make 6 figures so it seems that way. It seems that The Milking Cat’s founder Benji Elkins is a subscriber himself and has repeatedly messaged me offering to pay for an all-inclusive beach vacation as long as I take barefoot pictures on the beach and send them to him.
AH: Damn 6 figures, Benji only pays me in fist bumps and backhanded compliments. Is there a market for pictures of my toes?
CM: Definitely, I highly recommend it. I think people might pay even more to see the toes of a minor celebrity like yourself.
AH: If I didn’t know any better I would think that you’re flirting with me.
CM: I’m married with a 1 year old son, you pig. How dare you disrespect me, a woman trying to make an honest living?
AH: Ok, moving on! I’m looking for a Billiam Saggitarius, formerly known as William Manzinelo.
William Manzinelo: Please, call me The Wizard (with jazz hands)... Jazz Hands (announcing the fact that he’s doing jazz hands)
AH: I will not be doing that. I don’t want to hear the answer to this but why would you change your name to Billiam Saggitarius if you just want to be called the Wizard? It says here that as a kindergartener you wanted to be “King of the Gremlins”. I’m not even going to ask you for an explanation. How has that played out for you?
WM: In regards to the name question, I go by many names, you may know me as Steve Harvey, beloved host of Family Feud. As for my childhood dream, it’s actually worked out pretty well. I do shrooms on the regular so me and the Gremlins have formed a pretty special relationship. I’d say that monarchy is a pretty outdated form of government, wouldn’t you? So, I don’t think of myself as their king but rather their CEO. We have a pretty successful umbrella company as the Gremlins can’t be exposed to direct sunlight.
AH: I hate to inform you but you are not Steve Harvey and will never be. You do know that Gremlins are not real, correct?
WM: I’m not really sure what’s real. I’ve been on hallucinogens since 1926 and I was only born in 1995.
AH: I begrudgingly ask, what do you do for a living?
WM: I am a full time Wizard, part time street magician.
AH: How does a wizard make money?
WM: Usually by approaching people on the street with my magic wand and yelling “I am the Wizard! Bow down to me, Earthlings!” Then they are so scared that they give me all their money and run. I know it’s kind of childish but I think I have a young soul.
AH: To say that it is childish implies that a child would run up to people yelling “I am the Wizard. Bow down to me, Earthlings.” I will not accept you running the name of children everywhere through the mud.
WM: You have insulted the Wizard. You will now pay. Since I like to announce everything I do so it is reflected in any transcript, I am now picking up my wand and pointing it at the screen. The Zoom call will end right…
*Zoom Call Ends, not because of the Wizard but because Asher could not handle to hear more about how their generation had squandered all their opportunities to pursue nonexistent or illegitimate goals. Asher sighed with relief knowing that he would invest all his time and money into selling novelty adult bibs on Etsy, the noblest profession known to man.*