By Dan Soslowsky:
Last Wednesday, second grader Tommy Wilson panicked at the cafeteria table of Merrington Elementary School when he noticed a giant yellow stain on the front of his Old Navy khakis. Wilson knew that the true origin of this yellow stain was from moments earlier when he accidentally spilled his Frozen Rum Mango Lassi Cocktail, but he recognized the alcoholic beverage’s distinct resemblance to urine, as well as the stain’s close proximity to his genital area. Fearing that his friends would ridicule him for peeing his pants, Wilson immediately crossed his hands over his lap in an attempt to hide it, but this act ultimately drew more attention to his pelvic region. Seeing the stain, Wilson’s friend Jack Bennett called out, “Potty pants! Tommy has potty pants!” to which Wilson replied, “Noo!! Stop it!!!”
After recollecting himself, Wilson tried to convince his friends that the stain was not pee and was instead from his Frozen Rum Mango Lassi Cocktail, pointing to the tall-stemmed glass that stood next to his Transformers lunch box and crumpled up Go-Gurt tube. Acknowledging the compelling evidence, Wilson’s friends apologized for the misunderstanding, and Wilson wiped the alcohol-concentrated sweat from his forehead in relief. Little did Wilson know that the very next day he would be put in a similar situation in having to convince his friends that the brown stain on his butt was actually chewing tobacco, not poop.