By Anna Scott
The Senate recently voted to implement a new bill in which politicians aren’t obligated to care about climate change at all. “Climate change is eating up a lot of our time right now, so I think this bill will be beneficial to us getting back to our main goal: yelling at each other about completely useless issues.” said an unnamed senator who will likely die before climate change irreversibly ruins our planet.
The bill introduces a “thoughts and prayers” button, so politicians don’t have to waste their precious time typing out their own meaningless tweets. “It’s a huge time saver,” said Senator Mindsey Wham. “Before, I kind of had to put time and energy into actually reading the news and seeing what was going on in the world. Now, I just press the button and go about my day making surface-level decisions that impact the entire country!”
The bill is immensely popular among the Senate, who have been avoiding the topic of climate change like an advanced parkour course. However, arguments and physical fistfights broke out all across the Capitol over whether the button itself would be red or blue.