Sick Day Schedule

By Nina Patel:


1:24am: Wake up because you can’t breathe through your nose


1:32am: Begrudgingly go downstairs to make tea because you can’t fall back asleep anyway


1:41am: Drink your tea and watch Netflix because science is wrong and staring at a screen will definitely help you sleep better


2:03am: Finally start to drift off only fixate on the amount of tea you just drank until you make yourself believe that you have to pee


2:34am: Finally fall asleep


2:55am: Wake up to use the bathroom because you actually do need to pee this time


3:32am: Wake up because you’re too cold and wrap yourself in an absurd number of blankets


4:53am: Wake up because you’re too hot and violently throw the blankets off your bed


5:36am: Go get the blankets because you're so delusionally exhausted that you believe they have feelings and are mad at you for throwing them on the floor


8:23am: Briefly wake up and think about how all your idiot friends are in school right now


8:25am: Force yourself to go back to sleep even though you’re not tired just to spite everyone who has to be in school


9:56am: Get out of bed and open your computer as if you’re going to start doing work


10:15am: Realize you’re not going to be productive and go grab a cup of coffee even though you definitely don’t need more energy seeing as you don’t plan on leaving the house and are somehow already jittery for no reason


10:21am: Watch Youtube


11:37am: Watch Netflix


1:32pm: Think really really hard about going for a run because thinking about exercise will have the same benefits as exercising if you really believe


1:34pm: Watch Youtube


2:06pm: Realize you haven’t moved in over two hours and haven’t eaten all day


2:02pm: Eat lunch


2:33pm: Watch Netflix


3:04pm: Nap


4:17pm: Realize you’re still wearing pajamas and decide to change even though there’s no point


4:32pm: Do your hair and makeup because you’re bored and because leaving your room to go to the kitchen is the most exciting thing you’ve done all day so you need to look your best


5:03pm: Eat dry cereal while staring at a wall and contemplating the meaning of life


5:34pm: Call your friend because you feel deprived of human interaction


5:48pm: Hang up on your friend after remembering you hate human interaction


5:49pm: Picture what your life would be like if you dropped out of school and joined the circus


5:55pm: Watch a Youtube tutorial on how to juggle


6:01pm: Feel guilty for bruising three apples while trying and failing to juggle


6:02pm: Wonder if you’d be crossing the line from boredom to delirium if you had a funeral for three apples


6:30pm: Eat dinner


7:02pm: Watch Netflix


8:04pm: Think about catching up on all the work you’ve missed


8:06pm: Get overwhelmed by the number of emails in your inbox


8:07pm: Watch Youtube


8:35pm: Eat a whole bag of chips while contemplating life


9:03pm: Do a single homework assignment in five times the amount of time it should’ve taken


9:45pm: Check your phone and open all of your messages without responding as if you’re going to remember to respond later


10:02pm: Do another homework assignment


11:31pm: Wonder if you should keep doing work or just give up and go to sleep and take another sick day tomorrow


12:03am: Keep trying to figure out if you’re going to do any more work instead of actually working


12:26am: Decide that school is useless and go to sleep