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Some Canned Bits for Award Speeches

By Ben Fogler

  1. Go up to the stage very clearly holding index cards, take the award, then read from the index card for the entire speech. Start out with, “Oh my goodness, thank you. I don’t know what to say…” then go to the next index card, and say, “Oh right -- okay, I didn’t think I was going to win tonight, so I didn’t even prepare a speech,” still reading from the index card. Then end with, “this award goes out to all the children who dream big but keep getting told they’ll never make it. You can make it. You may be an ugly duckling now, but soon, you’ll be…” -- then take an uncomfortably long minute to fold your index card into a swan -- “a swan.” Proceed to throw the swan into the audience, but because it is paper, it will not go very far, and will probably land only a few feet away from you. Smile, shrug, and say, “well, not all of us, I suppose.” Then leave.

  2. Do a Jennifer Coolidge impression for the entire speech, and do not mention it a single time.

  3. As you stand to accept the award, pretend to sprain your ankle. Fall to the floor, writhing in pain as all the audience members gasp, clutching their pearls, and all the other nominees couldn’t be more thrilled. Several first responders will rush onto the scene to tend to your wounds. Then, suddenly, you pass out. The first responders put you on a stretcher, and everyone thinks you’ll be carried out of the building and to a hospital. “Oh no,” they say. “And it was (let’s say your name is Jank) Jank’s year. How tragic.” But surprise surprise, you’re actually being brought up to the stage. Murmurs of confusion echo around the crowd as you and your stretcher are positioned center stage. All the first responders turn around. What could be going on? Then, BAM! You rise up, produce a microphone, and start rapping. The first responders rip off their first responding uniforms, revealing cool backup dancer garbs. The crowd erupts into applause as you own the stage. When you’re done, the award is handed to you, and you say, “that’s how it’s done,” and mic drop.

  4. Heavily imply you are running for president in your speech. Say things like, “This award was won not just by me, but by the people of this great nation, by our perseverance in times of struggle. I look forward to meeting your approval once more in 2024. I could not have earned recognition from the Academy without the support of the everyday citizen. We’ll see you at the poll-- at the box office. My mistake.”

  5. Pull a Lindsay Lohan at the end of Mean Girls and break your award into several pieces, then throw them into the audience. However, the award is probably very heavy and made of gold, so it may just be best to toss it in one piece, where it will likely hit someone and permanently damage their face. Oh well. If they didn’t want that to happen, they should’ve won.

  6. Once you finish your speech, look down at the award and say, “The things I’m gonna do to you…” then wink at the audience.

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