Sonically, Yours

By Elsa Boehm

Everyone knows that Sonic the Hedgehog is fast. But what nobody realizes is how exceptionally prickly his spines must be, how disturbingly cunning the gleam in his eye is. Sonic is waiting for a moment when we are complacent to strike. I predict he will be here soon.

Sonic is an enigma– gleefully fast yet caught in the wheel of time, a classic to be enjoyed for years to come. Super Sonic defeated death itself– and Sonic is only getting more super as the days go on. When I listened to Karma by Jojo Siwa on 2x speed, I thought “Sonic would’ve loved this song. It’s so speedy. It’s so dramatic of a change. Sonic would understand the impermanence the song conveys with its fast rhythm and utopian lyrics.” I like to think of Sonic as a philosopher– ever looking forward and ever-shifting, the perfect allegory to our increasingly globalized world. 

Thomas Sargent once said, "persistent inflation is always and everywhere a fiscal phenomenon.” But Sonic is even more always and everywhere. In fact, Sonic is probably causing inflation because he adheres to a “the more the merrier” philosophy. Sonic is always trying to run faster and level up. It’s one of the reasons he’s so commercially successful.

I think it’s a shame that if Sonic were to buy a frappé today in Washington DC, he would have to pay over $13 on average. I feel like Sonic should get a discount.

When Sonic takes his revenge, there won’t be enough affordable caffeine in the world to make it run faster than him. He is already posed with his fist held high. You can see in his eyes that he has already won.