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Squirrels Make Poor Neighbors

By Amelia Ell Planet Earth did not ask for squirrels. In fact, squirrels were produced as an accidental hybrid between a chinchilla and a snack-sized lemur. So it's no surprise that they’ve chosen to spite the world by overpopulating every formerly-private inch of this world’s surface. That is, except for Hawaii. Whatever Hawaii’s doing, they’re doing it right. Lucky devils.

Outside of this serene island paradise, we’ve all grown accustomed to the unfortunate and inexorable truth that squirrels make terrible neighbors. For all our tropical readers who live in the utopia that is Hawaii, here’s what you’re missing:

  1. Squirrels will taunt your dogs from behind the fence and then file noise complaints with an unsettling, bitter rivalry.

  2. On second thought, they don’t respect fences.

  3. They are completely oblivious to the boundaries of their gardens.

  4. They subsequently forage from your personal plot claiming they were the ones who planted it.

  5. One morning a 60-foot oak tree bursts from your kiddie pool and they claim they have no idea how it could have appeared there.

  6. You find your eavestroughs stuffed with leaves and nutshells, then hear them snicker outside your window whenever the infomercials come on.

  7. Unintelligible chattering is never limited to private areas, but also late nights, public restrooms, and rude awakenings at the crack of dawn.

  8. Just for fun, they give you heart attacks by darting right in front of your car at full speed and then running back onto the sidewalk at the last minute.

  9. At neighborhood board meetings, they never know when to stop helping themselves to the complimentary refreshments (especially those bowls of trail mix that were definitely left out for the kids).

  10. For the entirety of winter, they completely disappear, conveniently refusing to come out when their sidewalk needs shoveling.


So if you insist on punishing yourself and your homegrown tomato plant by refusing to move to Hawaii, then that’s up to you. As for me, I know where I’ll be living after my dog has finished the 30-day rabies quarantine period.

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