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STATE OF EMERGENCY : Swiftie Takeover

Maya Edith

You know her songs, her boyfriends and what she wore at 11 0’Clock December, 13, 2017. But do you know her policies? Since Taylor Swift announced US Presidency candidacy last week, fans have flocked to political rallies (movie theaters) to show their support of what they believe is ‘finally real change’ (cheaper cardigan prices)’.

While Swift never officially used the words “I’m running for President 2024”, she did recently wear a bracelet with brown chains, which was the same color as James Madison’s hair who Swift famously quotes in her song “The Lucky One”. Political commentators are praising Swift’s ingenious campaign strategy of never actually endorsing her campaign, which they say gives off an air of mystery and makes her even more enigmatic.

In a dangerous turn of events, a new poll from Squirrel News, has now revealed that the once seemingly invincible Democratic and Republican parties are facing a popularity crisis. Gone are the days of old men running this country - a new political force is taking over America.

Forget about red or blue states; it's all about the Swiftie states now.

Radical supporters of this new party proudly wear their "Swiftocracy Now" merchandise, and instead of traditional campaign rallies, they gather for massive sing-alongs of Taylor Swift hits.

Concerns about the separation of Taylor Swift and state are growing, as Swifties begin to infiltrate political offices across the country. Rumors circulate that the Swifties Party is drafting a constitutional amendment to replace the bald eagle with a sparkly cat as the national symbol.

Experts warn that if left unchecked, the Swifties could lead the nation into an era of glittery dominance where diplomatic relations could be strained over disagreements on the best Taylor Swift album.

For the safety of all Americans, some argue that the Swiftocracy must be quashed immediately. But can anyone stop the relentless march of the Swifties and their unwavering dedication to the friendship bracelet way of life?

US Congresswoman Shoomoo Hippyhill officially endorsed the candidacy. “I say “Yes!” to American liberty. Because in the Swiftocracy, we may dance to different beats, but we all groove under the banner of unity and sparkles,” Hippyhill said in a statement to Squirrel News.

We cannot help but worry that this fad points to a more dangerous trend of Gen-Z arrogantly wishing for a more positive and upbeat society. Policymakers and economists alike agree that it is imperative that drastic and extreme measures are taken to destroy this new generation of snowflakes. Here at Squirrel News, we are committed to maintaining rigid societal roles and quashing any form of hope or humor through any means necessary.

As news of this new political party becomes global, many countries have taken to expressing their ecstasy at a potentially competent and talented world leader. In the United Kingdom, where most political traditions are steeped in history, the Swiftocracy was met with doubt and unease. However, when a video of Swift and Prince William belting out ‘Livin On a Prayer’ resurfaced, the public opinion of both the Prince and Swift became exponentially more positive. The Canadian Prime Minister, while somewhat hesitant to comment on the news, begrudgingly admitted that "Swift seems to make a surprisingly harmonious leader."

While we have no more updates or information at the present time, we are committed to closely monitoring the glittery political landscape and are already preparing our survival guide for the impending era of swift diplomacy. Up next - a glossary of critical Swiftie terms and album facts which you must learn right now.


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