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Surprisingly Successful String of Mime Bank Robberies

By Asher Hancock:

The mime - a somewhat entertaining, somewhat alarming creature - dwells mainly in France and, according to stereotype, feeds primarily off of baguettes – or whatever else French people eat. They eat like people, look like people, and even act out things people do. They appear to begin as normal people but from the moment the paint is first applied and the beret is carefully placed (neither are able to be removed, as they become one with the body), there is no human – there is just mime. They have always mimed very basic acts, primarily things like being stuck in a box or pulled by a rope, but to this columnist, it seems they were put in that box for a reason. After one imbecile tourist, who is now being compared to the bat that started COVID-19, let a mime out of its invisible box, the mime helped all of its brethren escape. The Mime Collective then went into hiding by pretending to go down a flight of stairs behind some boxes. The mimes, who had reportedly collected a large number of films while hiding out somewhere in the Middle East, learned new things to act out from watching them. Their favorite movie to watch was the 1967 film, Bonnie and Clyde, based on a couple who robbed banks together in the olden times, and if we’ve learned anything from the Korean War, it is that mimes learn through imitation. It should be noted that a small faction of them enjoyed Pitch Perfect more, and formed the first silent acapella group, Mime-apella.

The mimes emerged from hiding in Oklahoma after registering a nonexistent boat in which they sailed to the U.S from Lebanon. They reportedly rented a school bus and painted it with black and white stripes, even giving the bus its own beret. When later asked about the decision to use real transportation rather than just pretending to be on a bus, a former head of the Mime Syndicate (Get it, like “Crime syndicate” but the word “Crime” is replaced with “Mime”, because they rhyme?) said nothing because they don’t speak. The mimes then took this bus and went on a string of bank robberies. Apparently they built up quite the stockpile of imaginary weapons and police were shocked by just how much ammunition they had. They would run into the bank, take out their fingers and take people hostage. One of the mimes had what seemed to be a blowgun with tranquilizer darts with which he sedated the bank tellers although it took time for tellers to realize the mime was holding a blowgun, as people originally thought he was performing a crude act. The mimes would often point their finger guns up in the air and fake shoot at the ceiling and some of the hostages claimed that the shots left a ringing in their ears, which makes no sense because the gunshots were imaginary and made no noise whatsoever. In one instance, a mime with a machine gun shot 7 people who tried to escape who did great jobs pretending to take bullets. Some even went to the hospital for their imaginary bullet wounds.

Once they had stolen all the money from the bank, they would leave a note saying “(Something French)”. Nobody has bothered to translate it because that is literally what the note said. When they learned to write is a mystery but later, when asked about the mimes’ literacy, the aforementioned Mime Syndicate head said nothing because they don’t speak. The word “mime” sounds weird after a while but sadly there are no synonyms besides “French Person” because my assumption is not only that all mimes are French but also that every French person is a mime.

The mimes were successful in their spree of robberies eventually stealing 5 million dollars worth of money. However, it turned out to actually be worth 0 dollars because they only pretended to steal it. This is because their economic system is far too complicated to use any form of real currency, especially currency that has dead people with wigs on it. They were later caught after returning to the Middle East… of the United States, which is the North Carolina area. However, it turned out they couldn’t be arrested because since all they did was pretend to rob banks they had committed no crimes. Besides one instance of parking in a handicap spot.

Luckily, the same imbecile tourist who released them from their boxes happened to be from North Carolina. After stumbling upon all the mimes in the alley he lived in, the imbecile tourist, later identified as Zach Galifinakis, returned the mimes to their boxes and threw away the key. If you go to that alley and don’t get stabbed, you might just find those mimes, banging against the walls of their boxes.

Meanwhile, Mime-apella is a serious contender to win America’s Got Talent this year. The Milking Cat reached out for a statement from the silent singers on their success but they declined to comment because once again, les mimes ne parlent pas.


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