The Downfall of Chips

By Saeesha Bhargava 

Let’s talk about chips. Really - this needs to be addressed. I can remember a time in the not so distant past when chips were a snack food. They were quick, they were easy, they were fun. Oh chips, wonderful chips, lacking in any sort of nutritional value but so freaking tasty. 

And then. This happened.

You enter the grocery store, longing for the quiet simplicity of your favorite crunchy snack food section. You approach. What do you want? Perhaps the delicious faux-cheese orange dust of Cheetos? Perhaps you’d like to sail the waves created by the delicious ridges of Ruffles? Perhaps you’d like to feel connected to Mexican culture, opting instead for the exotic Doritos? Every brand had its lane, its unique selling point. It did one thing and did it well. The world was simple and peaceful. I am deeply saddened to inform you that those days are now in the rearview. Nowadays, you walk into the grocery store. What would you like? Cheetos? Well well well. Good luck kid. You scan the onion rings - sorry, orange powdered cheese onion rings? Hot and spicy orange powdered cheese onion rings???  - who the hell is in charge of this grocery store? This is plagiarism! Yet, as you look down the aisle, every chip brand has done it. “Hot” Lays? “Cool ranch” Takis? “Cheeseball” Pringles? Originality is dead. Everywhere you see, creativity has been replaced by blatant capitalistic cash grabbing plagiarism. 

They are all copying each other. Every single FREAKING CHIP BRAND. ALL OF THEM. THEY HAVE BLENDED INTO EACH OTHER. This may be a sign of the apocalypse, a warning of things to come. We shall soon fade into an entirely consumeristic, monotone life, where we no longer have to make any decisions of any sort absolutely ever. That is, at least, how I choose to see it. Why on Earth else has every big business suddenly decided to merge together in such a way? This is collusion. A monopoly. A symbol, perhaps, of how meaningless our consumerism-driven lives have rotted our brains, our souls, and our ability to think for ourselves. 

We might as well be living in the Matrix. No, Doritos, I don’t want your cool ranch chips. I am here for the originals. I am classier than that. I am free spirited. I am not a slave to capitalism unlike you other small minded plebians. I exist on a higher plane. Fellate me. I have gamed your system. Not to sound like a boomer, but back in my day, going to the grocery store really meant something. You needed grit, determination, intelligence, street smarts. Where has all the character gone? Nowadays it's all pre-sliced bread, pre-packaged chocolates, pre-shredded cheese. I may be a MAGA - Make America Grate Again. I’m just sayin’. I truly don’t know what the antidote to this is. Marx said that consumerism is the opiate of the masses, and I do think this is manifesting in our society today. Instead of hard drugs, it’s sliced fried potato. Who would’ve thought, huh?