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The Milking Cat's 2019 First Round NBA Mock Draft

By Noah Stern:

Here at the sports-media powerhouse that is The Milking Cat, our editors have been

working around the clock researching every possible analytic, statistic, measurable,

immeasurable, wingspan, diet, favorite color, sneaker collection, 40 yard dash time, preference of diet cola, playing ability, emotional intelligence, proficiency in Microsoft Office, and, of course, lateral quickness of EVERY SINGLE (first round) draft prospect. This heavy investment of time and energy was in order to ensure that we provide you, the reader, a literally flawless mock of the 2019 NBA Draft. In fact, don’t even watch the draft. Don’t even watch any draft related content. This is it. Right here. All you need. And when your friends ask why you are scoffing at them for crowding around a Skip Bayless prediction clip like a bunch of Neanderthals, kindly refer them to the following mock:

1. New Orleans Pelicans: Ja Morant, G, Murray State

Easy call here as New Orleans takes the best available player in Ja Morant, a

dynamic athlete who will pair with Jrue Holiday to form the most feared backcourt in the

league. Note: On draft night, Zion Williamson is, of course, in the heat of a major scandal

involving PED’s. The NBA will find that Zion is, in actuality, Moses Malone using the

powers of a magical genie to retain his youth. Adam Silver will be unsure of what course

of action to take, seeing as this is an unprecedented breach of the NBA’s lengthy

anti-witchcraft rule.

2. Memphis Grizzlies: Chuma Okeke, F, Auburn

With this pick, the Grizzlies front office establishes itself as one of the most

intelligent, forward-thinking groups in the league. A no-brainer here as Okeke has a solid,

NBA-level offensive game and spellbinding athleticism. Many will remember him as the

Auburn player who heartbreakingly tore his ACL in the Sweet 16 Game against UNC.

Memphis flashes their brilliance here by recognising Okeke’s passion for the game after

returning to the court and performing a buzzer-beating windmill dunk on one leg to beat

the Tar Heels.

3. New York Knicks: Daniel Jones, QB, Duke

New York couldn’t help themselves here, grabbing who they believe to be “their

guy” with the third overall pick. Just months after being selected by the New York Giants

as Eli Manning’s successor for the 2024 season, Jones must pack his bags in East

Rutherford and report to Madison Square Garden because, as we all know, NBA

selections supercede NFL ones. Most offices around the league will think this pick is a bit

of a reach.

4. Los Angeles Lakers: LaMelo Ball, G, Los Angeles Ballers (JBA)/ BC Vytautas

In Magic Johnson’s absence, Lavar Ball wins the traditional game of Candyland

to become the Lakers’ president of basketball operations. With his new power, he selects

his youngest son LaMelo to play alongside Lonzo and LiAngelo (who was acquired for

cash considerations from the Dunkin’ Donuts on South Olive Street).

5. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James Jr., F, Crossroads HS

All hell breaks loose as the restriction on straight-from-highschool players is

lifted and 14 year old LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. gets drafted by his father’s former

team. He should make an immediate impact in Cleveland as his head ricochets off the

hardwood after being punted 37 feet by Steven Adams in his third game.

6. Phoenix Suns: RJ Barrett, G, Duke

The folks in Phoenix couldn’t be happier about this pick as they land a top-3

talent who miraculously slid all the way down to number 6. A great value pick, but it will

be interesting to see if Mexico’s annexation of Arizona on June 8th, 2019 has any bearing

on the future of this franchise.

7. Chicago Bulls: Conor McGregor, Lightweight, Dublin

An unorthodox selection here for the Bulls, as McGregor has never demonstrated

his abilities on a basketball court. However, as he is currently retired from MMA,

McGregor will decide his next best move is to take on the NBA’s best talent in order to

prove his dominance in another sport. We project him as a potential sixth man with a

ceiling of Arron Afflalo and a floor of David Stockton.

8. Atlanta Hawks: Idi Amin, President for Life, Uganda

This pick will be questioned for a number of reasons. First and foremost: Idi

Amin died in 2003. Second, Why would the Hawks draft infamous Ugandan dictator and

mass-murderer Idi Amin to play basketball for them? Third, even if he were alive, would

his inconsistent jumper be able to transition to the next level? Nonetheless, the Hawks

will select Amin with the 8th overall pick.

9. Washington Wizards: China Jimmer, G, Shanghai Sharks

Now, what is unique about this selection is that the Wizards will be adamant

about the fact that they specifically selected China Jimmer. That is, the version of Jimmer

Fredette that led the CBA in points per game and dropped 75 in a single night, not the

Jimmer that flamed out with the Knicks after playing just 2 bench minutes.

10. Atlanta Hawks: Zion Williamson (Moses Malone), F, Duke

Atlanta won’t let the controversy stop them from receiving the rights to one of the

most talented college players in years. Although the scandal and potential consequences

will be looming for the 63-year-old Moses Malone, the Hawks couldn’t help themselves

here. If he is allowed to play basketball on an NBA court, Williamson will be the most

dominating force out of college since LeBron. An extraordinary value pick for the Hawks

front office.

11. Minnesota Timberwolves: Eric Carle, G, Stuttgart State Academy of Fine Arts

Savvy draft experts will be quick to heap praise upon Minnesota’s selection of

Eric Carle, the author of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

12. Charlotte Hornets: The Rights to Yovel Zoosman, F, Maccabi Tel Aviv

The Hornets go international here by drafting one of Israeli basketball’s rising

stars. A decent selection, but somewhat confusing as Jarrett Culver will, at this point, be

pacing around the Barclays Center parking lot holding a half empty bottle of vodka.

13. Washington Redskins: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State

The Redskins manage to draft their quarterback of the future without moving an

inch in the draft order. This is a dream scenario for Washington, since everyone was

positive Haskins would be up on the stage in a New York Giants ball cap. A+ pick for the

Redskins at number 13.

14. Boston Celtics: Davide Moretti, G, Texas Tech

By selecting his markedly less talented college teammate, the Celtics have caused

Jarrett Culver to slowly begin dowsing all of the cars in the parking lot with gasoline. He

begins to draw out a lighter from his suit pocket when pick #15 is announced on the

stadium PA system.

15. Detroit Pistons: Andrew Yang, Democrat, Brown

Silence. In the distance, smoke. Car alarms. Fire truck sirens. Jarrett has

disappeared into the humid New York night; the lone soul floating in a sea of madness.

16. Orlando Magic: Bol Bol, C, Oregon

17. Brooklyn Nets: Bobby Moynihan, F, UConn

18. Indiana Pacers: Rick Allen, the One-Armed Drummer from Def Leppard

19. San Antonio Spurs: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss

20. Orlando Magic (trade w/ Boston): Tacko Fall, C, UCF

21. Oklahoma City Thunder: Cuba Gooding Jr., G, NYU

22. Boston Celtics: Cam Reddish, F, Duke

23. Utah Jazz: Mitt Romney, Republican, Harvard Law

24. Philadelphia 76ers: Someone with a Future Foot Injury, G/F/C, Good Program


25. Portland Trail Blazers: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, President of Turkey, Turkey

26. Cleveland Cavaliers: Bruno Fernando, C, Maryland

27. Brooklyn Nets: Zaire Wade, G, American Heritage HS

28. Golden State Warriors: Benjamin Elkins, Editor-in-Chief, TMC

29. San Antonio Spurs: Thank you for still reading

30. Milwaukee Bucks: Jarrett Culver, G, Texas Tech

As always, if their name is on here we probably used their Wikipedia page as a reference,

so shout out to Wikipedia. Also shoutout to Tommy Beer of who was the first actual mock draft we researched so we could see the order and some random players.


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