By Noah Stern:
Here at the sports-media powerhouse that is The Milking Cat, our editors have been
working around the clock researching every possible analytic, statistic, measurable,
immeasurable, wingspan, diet, favorite color, sneaker collection, 40 yard dash time, preference of diet cola, playing ability, emotional intelligence, proficiency in Microsoft Office, and, of course, lateral quickness of EVERY SINGLE (first round) draft prospect. This heavy investment of time and energy was in order to ensure that we provide you, the reader, a literally flawless mock of the 2019 NBA Draft. In fact, don’t even watch the draft. Don’t even watch any draft related content. This is it. Right here. All you need. And when your friends ask why you are scoffing at them for crowding around a Skip Bayless prediction clip like a bunch of Neanderthals, kindly refer them to the following mock:
1. New Orleans Pelicans: Ja Morant, G, Murray State
Easy call here as New Orleans takes the best available player in Ja Morant, a
dynamic athlete who will pair with Jrue Holiday to form the most feared backcourt in the
league. Note: On draft night, Zion Williamson is, of course, in the heat of a major scandal
involving PED’s. The NBA will find that Zion is, in actuality, Moses Malone using the
powers of a magical genie to retain his youth. Adam Silver will be unsure of what course
of action to take, seeing as this is an unprecedented breach of the NBA’s lengthy
2. Memphis Grizzlies: Chuma Okeke, F, Auburn
With this pick, the Grizzlies front office establishes itself as one of the most
intelligent, forward-thinking groups in the league. A no-brainer here as Okeke has a solid,
NBA-level offensive game and spellbinding athleticism. Many will remember him as the
Auburn player who heartbreakingly tore his ACL in the Sweet 16 Game against UNC.
Memphis flashes their brilliance here by recognising Okeke’s passion for the game after
returning to the court and performing a buzzer-beating windmill dunk on one leg to beat
the Tar Heels.
3. New York Knicks: Daniel Jones, QB, Duke
New York couldn’t help themselves here, grabbing who they believe to be “their
guy” with the third overall pick. Just months after being selected by the New York Giants
as Eli Manning’s successor for the 2024 season, Jones must pack his bags in East
Rutherford and report to Madison Square Garden because, as we all know, NBA
selections supercede NFL ones. Most offices around the league will think this pick is a bit
of a reach.
4. Los Angeles Lakers: LaMelo Ball, G, Los Angeles Ballers (JBA)/ BC Vytautas
In Magic Johnson’s absence, Lavar Ball wins the traditional game of Candyland
to become the Lakers’ president of basketball operations. With his new power, he selects
his youngest son LaMelo to play alongside Lonzo and LiAngelo (who was acquired for
cash considerations from the Dunkin’ Donuts on South Olive Street).
5. Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron James Jr., F, Crossroads HS
All hell breaks loose as the restriction on straight-from-highschool players is
lifted and 14 year old LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. gets drafted by his father’s former
team. He should make an immediate impact in Cleveland as his head ricochets off the
hardwood after being punted 37 feet by Steven Adams in his third game.
6. Phoenix Suns: RJ Barrett, G, Duke
The folks in Phoenix couldn’t be happier about this pick as they land a top-3
talent who miraculously slid all the way down to number 6. A great value pick, but it will
be interesting to see if Mexico’s annexation of Arizona on June 8th, 2019 has any bearing
on the future of this franchise.
7. Chicago Bulls: Conor McGregor, Lightweight, Dublin
An unorthodox selection here for the Bulls, as McGregor has never demonstrated
his abilities on a basketball court. However, as he is currently retired from MMA,
McGregor will decide his next best move is to take on the NBA’s best talent in order to
prove his dominance in another sport. We project him as a potential sixth man with a
ceiling of Arron Afflalo and a floor of David Stockton.
8. Atlanta Hawks: Idi Amin, President for Life, Uganda
This pick will be questioned for a number of reasons. First and foremost: Idi
Amin died in 2003. Second, Why would the Hawks draft infamous Ugandan dictator and
mass-murderer Idi Amin to play basketball for them? Third, even if he were alive, would
his inconsistent jumper be able to transition to the next level? Nonetheless, the Hawks
will select Amin with the 8th overall pick.
9. Washington Wizards: China Jimmer, G, Shanghai Sharks
Now, what is unique about this selection is that the Wizards will be adamant
about the fact that they specifically selected China Jimmer. That is, the version of Jimmer
Fredette that led the CBA in points per game and dropped 75 in a single night, not the
Jimmer that flamed out with the Knicks after playing just 2 bench minutes.
10. Atlanta Hawks: Zion Williamson (Moses Malone), F, Duke
Atlanta won’t let the controversy stop them from receiving the rights to one of the
most talented college players in years. Although the scandal and potential consequences
will be looming for the 63-year-old Moses Malone, the Hawks couldn’t help themselves
here. If he is allowed to play basketball on an NBA court, Williamson will be the most
dominating force out of college since LeBron. An extraordinary value pick for the Hawks
11. Minnesota Timberwolves: Eric Carle, G, Stuttgart State Academy of Fine Arts
Savvy draft experts will be quick to heap praise upon Minnesota’s selection of
Eric Carle, the author of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
12. Charlotte Hornets: The Rights to Yovel Zoosman, F, Maccabi Tel Aviv
The Hornets go international here by drafting one of Israeli basketball’s rising
stars. A decent selection, but somewhat confusing as Jarrett Culver will, at this point, be
pacing around the Barclays Center parking lot holding a half empty bottle of vodka.
13. Washington Redskins: Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State
The Redskins manage to draft their quarterback of the future without moving an
inch in the draft order. This is a dream scenario for Washington, since everyone was
positive Haskins would be up on the stage in a New York Giants ball cap. A+ pick for the
Redskins at number 13.
14. Boston Celtics: Davide Moretti, G, Texas Tech
By selecting his markedly less talented college teammate, the Celtics have caused
Jarrett Culver to slowly begin dowsing all of the cars in the parking lot with gasoline. He
begins to draw out a lighter from his suit pocket when pick #15 is announced on the
stadium PA system.
15. Detroit Pistons: Andrew Yang, Democrat, Brown
Silence. In the distance, smoke. Car alarms. Fire truck sirens. Jarrett has
disappeared into the humid New York night; the lone soul floating in a sea of madness.
16. Orlando Magic: Bol Bol, C, Oregon
17. Brooklyn Nets: Bobby Moynihan, F, UConn
18. Indiana Pacers: Rick Allen, the One-Armed Drummer from Def Leppard
19. San Antonio Spurs: D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss
20. Orlando Magic (trade w/ Boston): Tacko Fall, C, UCF
21. Oklahoma City Thunder: Cuba Gooding Jr., G, NYU
22. Boston Celtics: Cam Reddish, F, Duke
23. Utah Jazz: Mitt Romney, Republican, Harvard Law
24. Philadelphia 76ers: Someone with a Future Foot Injury, G/F/C, Good Program
25. Portland Trail Blazers: Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, President of Turkey, Turkey
26. Cleveland Cavaliers: Bruno Fernando, C, Maryland
27. Brooklyn Nets: Zaire Wade, G, American Heritage HS
28. Golden State Warriors: Benjamin Elkins, Editor-in-Chief, TMC
29. San Antonio Spurs: Thank you for still reading
30. Milwaukee Bucks: Jarrett Culver, G, Texas Tech
As always, if their name is on here we probably used their Wikipedia page as a reference,
so shout out to Wikipedia. Also shoutout to Tommy Beer of Forbes.com who was the first actual mock draft we researched so we could see the order and some random players.