By Megan Kang:
Name: Crowley Danger
Age: 63-year-old M
Preferred Phone Number: (***)***-****
Will you vote for <CANDIDATE> in the election? [5 – Strong Oppose]
Notes from call:
Crowley picked up the phone immediately and wanted to know who was calling. I introduced myself and asked how he was doing. He stated that he was fine now. Crowley had a bit of a scare when he first contracted the coronavirus in April at a clown convention. He thought he would be fine with his heavy-duty clown suit, but he had taken off his headpiece in a moment of irrationality when he saw his favorite artist’s booth and just HAD to get a closer look at his artwork. Crowley caught Corona from either that moment or the clown orgy he later attended.
Crowley laid bed-ridden in a hospital for 3 weeks. He stated that the doctors had been reluctant to treat him due to the terrible stench he constantly emitted. Hazmat-suited nurses had to handle his coronavirus treatment, but not without putting up a fight first. Although he completely recovered within 2 weeks, he refused to leave his hospital bed, screaming and sweating. Crowley said that hospitals were basically like free hotels, especially since he always ignored any medical bills.
When Crowley eventually left the hospital (they stopped feeding him), he felt invincible, now immune to the coronavirus. He decided to use this opportunity to fulfill one of his lifelong dreams: to graduate from clown academy. At that time, Crowley could only clown recreationally as he did not have the necessary skills or confidence to clown professionally. Many clown students had taken a gap year which created the perfect environment for Crowley to snatch circus internships. Crowley said that he started his clowning in the Florida branch. He grinded and was praised by his teachers as a gifted, exemplary performer that was on track to become valedictorian.
One of Crowley’s graduation requirements was to get his mini clown car driver’s license. Driving a mini clown car filled to the brim with fellow clowns is a very different experience than driving normally, so the academy regulates safety with a rigorous test. The course Crowley had to drive spanned a 5-day journey from Florida to Wyoming, but his little car only got as far as the Florida-Alabama border when he fell ill again. On the trip, he took as many hitchhikers as he could to pack his car. Every passenger tested positive for the coronavirus when they visited drive-in testing.
Crowley laid bed-ridden in a hospital for 2 weeks. As he recovered, scientists got a hold of him and asked if they could conduct coronavirus research on him. Crowley agreed as he was offered a large participant payment. He is still currently undergoing experiments where he is frequently probed. Crowley expressed that the pandemic was the best thing that ever happened to him. I said that it is great that he is doing so well.
I then shared <CANDIDATE>’s stances on main issues. Crowley was not interested in the topics I shared. I asked him what issues he considers to be important to him. He gave me a very detailed response:
1. Line cutting
Crowley was very angry and concerned with the lack of persecution for line cutting. He expressed many times where he had been cut while waiting in a line for the water slide, sex shop sale, and when camped out of the premier of Shrek 4. Every time, he was charged with assault. He does not even care if you are a second grader who was too thirsty to wait in line for the water fountain - Crowley will curb stomp you. He wants strict actions against line cutting to be seriously considered by the government, perhaps charging the action as a felony. I told him I would make sure to bring this matter up to the campaign.
Crowley is a big fan of balloons. He started ballooning long before he wanted to pursue clowning. Crowley has invested in a balloon stand and loiters around parks every weekend hoping that some sucker will pay for his services. He specializes in all types of balloons. While he uses a pump for balloon animals, Crowley needs helium tanks to produce the ever-popular floating balloons. He recently read on Reddit that the world’s supply of helium is running out, and he is extremely concerned. Crowley stated that the government should protect his and many others’ livelihoods by preserving America’s helium only for balloon specialists.
He also got very heated and reenacted an argument he had had with another Reddit user earlier this year: “Oh boo hoo, you have a medical condition and need helium gas for your treatment? Shut up you selfish slut. Ballooning is my passion! The helium would be much better used by me!”
3. Government Mandated Swimming Lessons
Crowley believes that swimming is an essential skill. Being able to swim should be the same as getting a driver’s license. He told me a story from his childhood back when “the economy was great, everyone was happy, and we all walked 5 miles in extreme weather to school every day.” He went on a trip to a lake with his grandpap. Little did he know, the trip was a trick to instill an important life lesson. They paddled out to the middle of the lake in a boat. Crowley’s grandpap then hoisted him up and threw him into the water. 5-year-old Crowley had never swam before and was not wearing a life vest, but thanks to his amazing adaptive abilities, he quickly started to flail and hold his breath. That day he learned how to swim and only inhaled a few gulps of lake water. Crowley suggested that all children be required to pass a swimming test, no exceptions.
“You know those videos of instructors dumping babies into pools? Those babies are way privileged to be dumped in pools instead of lakes, but yeah, like that.”
After we discussed Crowley’s priorities, I asked if he had heard of <CANDIDATE> before. Crowley had no idea who they were. I informed him that <CANDIDATE> was an incredibly honest and well-known candidate that is running for president to satisfy a wonderful agenda. I then gave him the campaign website. He said that he might look into it if he does not forget.
At the end of the call, I finally asked Crowley if he would support <CANDIDATE>. Crowley stated that he does not vote and hung up on me. We talked for over 3 hours.
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