By Arianna White:
As a lifeguard, you basically get paid to sit around and do nothing. You have the wonderful opportunity to hear all the hot gossip stirred between the rich white families, and by the end of the summer, you could pretty much write your own Rom-Com called “To be Rich and White by the Pool.” Sometimes, depending on the cost of country club membership, you get to rot your teeth away with complimentary Pink Lemonade and Coca-Cola which is great because half the time, you have already missed a meal. The likelihood of being in an emergency rescue situation as a lifeguard is rare, so if you don’t know how to swim or your lifeguard certification was last renewed 5-10 years ago, there’s not much to worry about.
Since you sit around and do nothing for hours on end you are likely to go insane. The hot sun and arid conditions cause mild hallucinations and/or could cause you to pass out. There are rude 10 year-old-children that would rather spontaneously combust then listen to the easiest rules, such as: don’t run, don’t jump onto other children, don’t pretend to drown, and other common sense-based practices. Sometimes the parents are even worse than their demon offspring. They don’t seem to understand that patience is a virtue. I DON’T KNOW WHY THE Ph LEVELS IN THE POOL ARE HIGHER TODAY THAN USUAL SO PLEEEASE DON’T ASK ME 12 TIMES, KAREN. Some moms even believe that you have a solution to every problem including their marital issues and hair loss. If you see a tear-streaked middle-aged woman holding a glass of white wine longingly massaging her scalp… run. When lifeguarding at an outdoor pool, you don’t get to pick and choose when it rains, hails, or snows. If in the unlucky chance it does rain and someone wants to complete their life long goal of swimming in a monsoon, you still have to lifeguard no matter how much you want to let the universe take the swimmer. At closing time, there will always be that one person who decides that you actually work for them and that you should guard an extra 30 minutes after the pool closes without pay.
In conclusion, become a country club lifeguard. It’s guaranteed to change your life.