The Remote School Translation Handbook

By Natalie Parker:


Hello, remote students, and thank you for picking up the Remote School Translation Handbook! So, you’re having trouble slacking off the way you usually do at school without the teachers catching you. Or, alternatively, you don’t possess anywhere near the charm of those students who can slack and get away with it regularly, but you’re seeing unique opportunities in this new school format. Either way, congratulations, you’ve come to the right place! These handy-dandy phrases will help you to make the most of doing the least:


Regular Phrase (italicized) Remote Phrase Translation

I overslept, and had to get ready frantically My computer spent a long time loading.

while class started.


I forgot to study for a test I have in I’m taking notes, Ms. O’Flanagan.

another class, so I’m doing it now.



You’re talking too quickly for me to be able My WiFi is slow today.

to zone out and still understand what the h*ll

is going on.



I forgot to do the homework. Genius Scan won’t let me scan and upload my work!



I want you to think I’m listening and trying [mouthed] My microphone isn’t working!

to answer questions when I’m not.



I am still in bed. My camera won’t turn on!



I don’t care enough about this class to not [watch a YouTube video on the same watch YouTube videos while you teach. laptop, lean in and smile while the teacher talks]



I’m texting my friends and looking at I’m on the Google Classroom on my

random sh*t on my phone. phone.



I am making a TikTok right now, don’t Yes, I can hear you, Ms. O’Flanagan.

interrupt me.



I am asleep right now because remote [point camera at ceiling]

school is incredibly stressful, every single

extracurricular activity that brings me joy

is either cancelled or warped beyond

recognition, I can’t connect properly to my

family and friends, I am scared of contracting

a life threatening disease that my own

government couldn’t control, and the looming

threat of college applications perpetually

hangs over my head like a cobra waiting to strike.

Also, I stayed up really late bingeing Grey’s Anatomy

because NOTHING ELSE BRINGS ME JOY ANYMORE!


And that’s it! These ten phrases should be everything you need to be successful at not succeeding. All of you, from the charming and confident but ultimately useless jock who is destined to become an Assistant Director of Human Resources somewhere, to the perpetually exhausted and depressed gifted kid who was never taught a work ethic, should be able to flawlessly deceive your technologically inept teachers with such easy translations. And, for those teachers who are looking into a little insight into the true nature of your students’ excuses, you should now know that they are mostly lies! Come on, are you seriously surprised by that?

Good luck, everyone! Do useless things with your new free time!