The Secret Diary of Gerald, H Mart Tank Halibut

By Collin Kim

Day 1,247 in the Glass Box

My name is Gerald, and I'm what humans call a "premium halibut." I prefer "aquatic intellectual," but nobody asked me. I've been living in this H Mart seafood tank long enough to become a cultural anthropologist. H Mart, for those unaware, is America's largest Korean grocery chain—basically the cultural lifeline for Korean Americans. I'm swimming in an icon.

The Customer Categories

The Halmeoni: Korean grandmothers who examine me like I'm a precious gem. One called me

"adeul-ah" (son) last week. I nearly wept.

The "Crying in H Mart" Pilgrims: Young people clutching Michelle Zauner's memoir, here for

cultural enlightenment. They photograph everything, including me. One actually cried while staring at my tank, which was either moving or concerning.

The Tappers: Believe my glass is a magic fish-summoning drum. I've perfected swimming directly at them mid-tap for maximum startle effect. Sure, us halibuts may look like lazy lard slumps laying at the bottom of the tank all the time, but we can be proactive.

The Korean Food Converts: Non-Korean customers approaching with reverent curiosity, asking Jin about my taste and what color I am on the sashimi platter while surprisingly treating me like the cultural ambassador I am.

Tank Politics

Steve the Sea Bass thinks he runs this place because he's newer and more aggressive. Margaret the Mackerel acts like royalty because she's been here second-longest. The Crab Mafia controls the bottom real estate with iron claws (don't ask about their real names, they're very secretive).

We're currently in territorial negotiations over the singular achromatic rock that sits at the corner of the tank. Bingo the ancient flounder mediates our disputes, mostly by sleeping. He apparently costs more than me per pound which makes me slightly jealous.

The Ultimate Question

Should I even want to leave? I've achieved what most fish only dream of: job security, three meals a day, and a captive audience for my superior genetics. Sure, I could end up as someone's dinner, but I could also become H Mart's first tenured fish professor.

Imagine my future: "The Legendary Gerald of H Mart," too magnificent to eat, growing so large I need my own zip code. Parents will bring children just to see the famous fish who's outlived three store managers and witnessed the entire evolution of Korean snack foods.

Or maybe Netflix will make a documentary about me: "My Tank Life: A Halibut's Journey Through Korean-American Identity." If they made one about an octopus, they’ll surely make one about me. I'll finally get the respect I deserve as both a premium seafood specimen AND a cultural commentator.

Either way, I've made peace with my situation. Where else can a fish get front-row seats to the

beautiful chaos of grocery store anthropology while being fed premium pellets and complimented daily on my impressive size?

I am Gerald: tank philosopher, accidental sociologist, and quite possibly the only halibut with a Yelp page.

P.S. - Please don't tap the glass. We can see you just fine.

Gerald has been a resident of H Mart Tank #3 since 2024. His memoir is forthcoming, pending his ability to hold

a pen.