The Tragic New Disease of Elon Musk

By Ella Bilu:


Elon Musk is taking over the world and not without the help of his fanboys. Those fanboys are being affected by a new illness that scientists are calling ‘Elonmuskia’. Symptoms include having Elon Musk quote in their Instagram bio and referring to their Tesla as ‘babygirl’.


There’s a good chance you know someone affected by Elonmuskia. Ever since the disease was first discovered, scientists have dropped their cancer research to tackle the new illness. Currently, their cure is in stage 5 of clinical testing, but has not yet been proven to be effective. Those affected by Elonmuskia are rapidly growing as the spread cannot be contained. If you think you know someone who has this disease, drop your things and run.


Here’s how to identify someone struggling with Elonmuskia and what you can do to help.


Constantly on Twitter.

Quite frankly, downloading Twitter is a pipeline to this disease. With over 75 million followers, Elon Musk’s tweets are everywhere. Whether he’s arguing with some congressperson or a 4th grader, Musk always seems to be getting into fights. If you ever, EVER, see one of your friends fighting someone about Dogecoin under Elon’s replies, block them immediately.


Invests in Crypto

It feels like all we’re hearing these days is ‘Bitcoin this, Dogecoin that’. On average, those living with Elonmuskia have lost over $200,000 investing in what they thought was the next big cryptocurrency. But to them, that’s just $200,000 put towards ‘the grind’.


Brings up Elon Musk in conversation

Imagine this: You’re reconnecting with an old friend from high school telling funny stories and talking about each other's lives. While talking about the time the two of you accidentally set fire to the local 7-Eleven, he casually quotes Elon Musk. Immediately, you’re taken aback. ‘Why?’ you think to yourself. As your conversation continues, he brings up Elon more and more. It has become clear to you that he has an obsession.


These are some, but not all of the symptoms of Elonmuskia. Others include…

  • Watching The Wolf of Wall Street every morning before work

  • Getting hacked on Instagram after they got sent a DM saying they won a Tesla

  • Referring to someone with a different opinion as a snowflake

  • Frequently attending their high school’s football games even though they graduated in 2012

  • Believes that their favorite app, Twitter, is censoring their free speech


While this illness continues to ravage the lives of many, you can help them. First, take a moment to sit down and talk to them. Understand where they are coming from. Then, gift them The Communist Manifesto and introduce them to your liberal, kale-eating, California-living, yoga teacher. After, hit the streets. There’s nothing else you can do.