By Tekle Skiles-Januta
As a self-proclaimed shower connoisseur—with a personal record of washing my hair three times in one day—I can tell when someone has gone a few days too long without some time in the tub. Just one month into the school year, even I can admit: I’ve skipped my daily dip a few times. Still, to my shower maven hopefuls, here are some strategies to reduce your need for slicked-back hair days.
The Homework-Shower Combo
Estimated length: 2 hours
This shower is perfect for when you forget about a test (or two) tomorrow.
00:00 - Secure computer in a waterproof environment (plastic bag preferred).
00:05 - Turn on water (preferred cold for “improved” brain function).
00:07 - Finish acclimating to the temperature. Begin first assignment! Be sure to take a break once you need one.
01:15 - Return to your work.
01:19 - No, really. Break time is over. Turn the water colder to stay focused.
01:29 - Turn in first assignment. Don’t worry! It’s only a few days late. Reward with another break, this time being more than double the last!
01:49 - Begin second assignment. You poor thing! Stay strong.
01:50 - Take a short break to process the fantastic work you did on your first assignment.
I recommend watching one of the Wonka / Dune Timothee Chalamet edits.
01:57 - Delete TikTok and repent your edit-watching sins.
02:00 - Accept that you have procrastinated too hard. Better luck next time on that A+!
The Brunchower
Estimated length: 30 minutes
If you ever feel the need to combine breakfast, lunch, and a rocking shower, this is for you.
00:00 - Set your table with the whole shebang: gingham tablecloth, salad fork, tall stemmed glass of OJ, etc.
00:02 - Begin your first course. For the humidity, oatmeal is probably your best bet. Be sure to dress it with extra chocolate chips for a melt-in-your-mouth feel.
00:17 - Reheat your food. (Place in a plastic bag and turn the water to the highest temperature.)
00:24 - Begin the second course. Make sure to keep it classy; think prosciutto and melon vibes.
00:30 - Turn off the water and plan your next shower combination. The possibilities are endless! Snackower? Dinnower? You tell me!
The Unwind
Estimated length: 7 hours
Has life gotten the best of you? You will feel like you learned something about yourself after this shower.
00:00 - Take a minute before turning on the water. Find your Spotify-recommended ska blend, or even better, any playlist on Apple Music. Shuffle play.
00:07- Think about the temperature of water that you associate with the music you are now listening to. Change the water to the furthest temperature from that.
00:21 - Begin your shower routine.
00:24 - Complete your routine. Begin to find solace in your own mind. Try to put yourself in the mind of your 8th-grade science teacher. What are they doing now? Did you learn anything from them? Compose a letter to mail them.
00:54 - Yearn.
01:34 - Think back on the previous Academy Award for Best Picture winners. Did you agree with them? How do you feel about Gladiator being the 2001 winner? Compose a letter to actor Russel Crowe, thanking him for his service in the ancient Roman film world.
02:50 - Mail your two letters.
04:22 - Hope your Uber package driver has made it to the postal office. God forbid you leave the shower!
06:66 - Is this how time works? Who knows at this point? Take a quick nap.
07:00 - Wake up and turn off the now-boiling water. Emerge from the shower rejuvenated and enlightened—ready to begin the next French Revolution.
The Procrastinator
Estimated length: Until you can no longer procrastinate.
Fueling your fire since 2024.
24:00 until due date - Head into the shower. You need some motivation for this big assignment!
22:00 until due date - Change the playlist. Maybe hip-hop wasn’t the vibe you need for this EXTREME study session.
19:01 until due date - Still prepping! I think you need some snacks to prepare for this. Check the current Crumbl weekly flavors.
18:50 until due date - Finish deciding on the flavors in your box. Raw brownie or raw chocolate chip cookie? Your choice!
13:00 until due date - Now that your DoorDash has finally arrived, you have a mountain of time! Watch a few episodes of a show you’ve been meaning to watch. It’s about time you get through your TBW list!
11:11 until due date - Make a wish!
07:32 until due date - Lo-o-o-o-o-o-ads of time. Take a short nap and do some affirmations to praise your preparation.
05:42 until due date - Wait… What does the clock say? Nevermind that. Power off your phone until you feel the social media addiction come rushing back to you.
03:32 until due date - Time to make a motivational playlist. Or two.
01:11 until due date - Your time is slowly slipping away. But you still haven’t applied a hair mask! Make the 45-minute mask your top priority.
00:23 until due date - It’s time to lock in. For real.
00:00 until due date - Turn in your assignment. Only halfway done? No problem! I’m sure the late penalty won’t be that bad…
The idea that all of this is happening while you are sopping wet really sells it.