By Sophie Cohen:
Hello Honey,
Oh how I’ve missed you. Since you’ve been gone I’ve cried enough tears to fill up some sort of mid sized basin. Hopefully we are picturing the same size basin. One problem of typing notes on a typewriter is that if you pick an ambiguous adjective like midsized to describe a basin you can’t go back and change it to something more clear cut like “a rock sized basin”. I don’t mean to be misleading and have you think that I’ve cried more tears than I actually have. I have cried a substantial amount though. Half of the reason I’ve been crying so much is because I’m wishing I could be with you again but the other half is because I’m wishing that I could be with Walter Cronkite instead.
Anyways, here’s the important bit of the letter. Shirley died. Marlene is in bad health. James started a wire rimmed glasses business. Sarah died. Her husband died. Her son started a glass cutting business. Her son got an apprenticeship under James. I lost the house. I left our kids in the house. The house burnt down. The town burnt down. I lost my eyesight, but couldn’t get glasses because the glasses shop was burnt down. I lost our dog. But I’m sure things are going much worse in Vietnam, where you are. Good luck out there. Stay alive for me. You’re all I have left. Well, besides Mr. Wonderful: Walter Cronkite.
I love you so dearly I could write a basin sized box of love letters for you.
Love, Your wife, Sara
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Hello dear,
You do know that the war is over, right? It’s been all over the news! I’m actually doing great now -- much better than you it seems. Haven’t you gotten my letters? I have a new family now -- a beautiful wife and three strong, broad shouldered boys. The oldest, Harry, can almost throw a ball like the best of them! Anyways, try and forge a relationship with Walter Cronkite! I don’t just permit it… I encourage it!
Sincerely,
Johnny
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Hello John,
It’s been exactly 35 years since I last wrote to you. I just wanted to inform you that Walter and I were married last year. We have three children who can all throw a ball like the best of them.
Sincerely Sara
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Dear Sara,
Walter Cronkite is dead. Has been for months. If you’re going to formulate a lie, it might as well be an informed one!
Sincerely Johnny
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Dear John,
Walter is dead. Here are some of his ashes if you wish to sell them. Take care of yourself.
Love,
Sara
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Dear Sara,
Your mail must have gotten backed up. I was wrong about you. Come back to me.
From,
Johnny
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Dear Marjorie,
Attached is a copy of the letter John sent me:
“Dear Sara,
Your mail must have gotten backed up. I was wrong about you. Come back to me.
From,
Johnny”
He fell for my plan! He’s taking me back! Finally!
Love,
Sara
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Dear Sara,
DID YOU MEAN TO SEND THAT TO ME?!? WHO’S MARJORIE??!? WHAT PLAN?!
Love,
John
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Dear John,
Funny story, I lied about my relationship with Walter Cronkite. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us, as our chemistry is undeniable. I love you baby, see you soon. Oh! And those were my grandmother’s ashes. Please throw her in the ocean, she always loved the sea.
Love,
Sara
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Dear Sara,
That’s sick. This– this is the Sara I fell in love with.
Love John
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