By John Sisco
This fish killed God. I watched him do it. I’ve got photographic evidence. This disgusting waste
of space and oxygen has single-handedly destroyed everything in this world that is kind, just, or sacred. He has burned my crops, salted my lands, taken my wife, eaten my children, posted it all on Twitter, and ratioed me. I don’t know what sentient life did to deserve the ungodly misfortune of sharing a plane of existence with this abomination, and I feel as though we’re probably better off that way. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not even talking about, like, this whole species, either. I specifically mean this one smug little flapjack-looking malformed boomerang that’s been ruining every waking moment of my mortal existence since he was chosen as prom king over me in 2009. How did he do that?! He didn’t even go to my school! He was actively asphyxiating while giving his acceptance “speech” and everyone clapped anyway like psychopaths when a plane lands!
I mean, this guy doesn’t even have a name! I think that’s because when his mother dropped
him and all 800 sextillion of his siblings out into the middle of, I don’t know, Lake Michigan, or
something, she knew in that moment that no earthly sound could convey the sheer scale of awful that was her unholy progeny. That, or she was a fish and didn’t have vocal chords. So you know what? I’ve got a name for this tax-dodging, wife-stealing, Harvard-graduate overgrown flounder with a messiah complex: Kevin. Yeah bud, how’s that one sound? Does it make you feel mad? Does it make you want to chug some Monster and grow a mullet? I bet it does. And I also bet that once you’re done reading this, you’re gonna jump onto your stupid little fish skateboard and kick flip over to some innocent citizen’s house to leave their tap on while they’re at work. Then, when they start crying on the floor because their basement is looking like a set piece from Titanic, you’ll activate your hidden camera rig and griddy over their cowering body like you just won some kind of competition. Nobody loves you, Kevin. Literally not a single entity upon this beautiful Earth. Maybe God did, once, but we all know how that went.
Now, those of you reading this right now (excluding the sentient paddleboard in question) are
probably thinking that this all seems a bit excessive. “Kevin looks so cute, there’s no way he’s
been found guilty of 18 counts of vehicular manslaughter,” I can hear some of you whispering.
And you know what? You’re right. He hasn’t been convicted of any such atrocities. But that’s
only because Kevin was actually being tried in The Hague for violating the Geneva Accords 162 times in one weekend, blindfolded, and he just used his puppets in the global news media apparatus to deceive the entire human population into thinking a few oopsies on the freeway were the worst of his crimes. Normally, I’d be inclined to tell you sheeple that it’s time to open your eyes and rage against the ungodly hellspawn that is Kevin the fish, but frankly, it probably won’t do any good, because this half-baked Beyblade reject will destroy you and everything you love anyway. Resistance is futile, hope is a myth, this is literally 1984. Screw you, Kevin.
- Paid for by The Society for Normal Looking Fish