By Ariana White:
“This Terrorist Attack is Getting Boring; Let’s Play Never Have I Ever”
Setting - A bunker somewhere in the Northwing of the Capitol building.
Nancy Pelosi: This terrorist attack is getting boring; let’s play Never Have I Ever.
Ted Cruz: OMG I love that game! Who should start?
Bernie Sanders: I really feel like this isn’t the time nor place...
Mitch McConnell: Shut up Sanders. I’ve been itching to play since the last time I lost.
Nancy Pelosi: What? You didn’t lose last time. Mike did.
Mike Pence: Guilty!
Mitch McConnell: Yeah but it was close and he loses every time so it doesn’t even count.
Mike Pence: Guilty again!
Mitt Romney: Well, as long as I go last in the rotation, I’ll play!
Ted Cruz: It really should not take you that long to come up with a question Romney.
Mitt Romney: Fuck off! At least I don’t look like a blobfish.
Ted Cruz: Yeah?! Well, at least I’m not from Utah!
Bernie Sanders: Republicans, sorry, gentlemen let’s calm down. There isn’t enough oxygen in the room for all this fighting.
Nancy Pelosi walks towards Lindsey Graham who is crouched in a corner of the room rocking back and forth.
Nancy Pelosi: How about you Lindsey, would you like to play?
Lindsey Graham: What? Oh no, definitely not. There’s no time for fun. You saw the crowd at that airport! If those Neo-Nazi, tobacco chewing, racists find me, I am surely going to die.
Ted Cruz: Well I guess it’s just us then. I’ll start…
Elizabeth Warren: Oooo. I wanna play!
Everyone in Unison: NO
Elizabeth Warren slinks back to the opposite side of the room.
Ted Cruz: As I was saying, never have I ever been in office for over three decades.
Nancy Pelosi puts her finger down.
Ted Cruz: God you’re old.
Nancy Pelosi: God you’re ugly.
Ted Cruz rolls his eyes.
Mitch McConnell: Ok my turn! Never have I ever ran for president and then lost.
Mitch McConnel smirks at Mitt Romney, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz who all put their fingers down.
Bernie Sanders: Yeah, well, when you even get nominated for president, call me.
Mitch McConnell: Hey! I am the longest standing US Senator Kentucky has ever had!
Ted Cruz: And that means what exactly…
Mitch McConnel glares at Ted Cruz.
Bernie Sanders: Okay! My turn I guess. Um never have I ever not been the most popular Senator in America.
Everyone looks at him annoyed and puts a finger down.
Mitch McConnel: Hey I’m pretty popular!
Nancy Pelosi: Yeah but for all the wrong reasons.
Mitch McConnel: “yEaH bUt fOr aLl tHe wRoNg rEaSoNs.”
Mitt Romney: Okay my turn. I finally got one. Never have I ever been in a sexual relationship with our current president.
Mike Pence: Oh my god guys you say this every time!
Proceeds to put his finger down.
Mike Pence: It’s my turn now anyway! Never have I ever been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community.
Bernie Sanders: What the hell Pence.
Mike Pence: What?! It’s our final hours! We might as well be honest and I’m tryna win.
Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnel all put their fingers down.
Ted Cruz: Put your finger back up McConnel.
Mitch McConnel: Excuse me? What’d I do to prove otherwise?
Bernie Sanders: Oh I don’t know. Amy Coney Barret? Joan Larson? Allison Eid?!
Mitch McConnel: Okay! Whatever!
An FBI Agent comes into the room.
FBI Agent: Hey, you guys are good to go back up. All’s clear.
Everyone starts clapping.
Nancy Pelosi: Wait, we’re gonna finish playing though right?
Mike Pence: Oh definitely, we’ll just say we’re still counting the votes.
Everyone nods in agreement as they head out of the bunker.