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“This Terrorist Attack is Getting Boring; Let’s Play Never Have I Ever”

By Ariana White:

“This Terrorist Attack is Getting Boring; Let’s Play Never Have I Ever”

Setting - A bunker somewhere in the Northwing of the Capitol building.

Nancy Pelosi: This terrorist attack is getting boring; let’s play Never Have I Ever.

Ted Cruz: OMG I love that game! Who should start?

Bernie Sanders: I really feel like this isn’t the time nor place...

Mitch McConnell: Shut up Sanders. I’ve been itching to play since the last time I lost.

Nancy Pelosi: What? You didn’t lose last time. Mike did.

Mike Pence: Guilty!

Mitch McConnell: Yeah but it was close and he loses every time so it doesn’t even count.

Mike Pence: Guilty again!

Mitt Romney: Well, as long as I go last in the rotation, I’ll play!

Ted Cruz: It really should not take you that long to come up with a question Romney.

Mitt Romney: Fuck off! At least I don’t look like a blobfish.

Ted Cruz: Yeah?! Well, at least I’m not from Utah!

Bernie Sanders: Republicans, sorry, gentlemen let’s calm down. There isn’t enough oxygen in the room for all this fighting.

Nancy Pelosi walks towards Lindsey Graham who is crouched in a corner of the room rocking back and forth.

Nancy Pelosi: How about you Lindsey, would you like to play?

Lindsey Graham: What? Oh no, definitely not. There’s no time for fun. You saw the crowd at that airport! If those Neo-Nazi, tobacco chewing, racists find me, I am surely going to die.

Ted Cruz: Well I guess it’s just us then. I’ll start…

Elizabeth Warren: Oooo. I wanna play!

Everyone in Unison: NO

Elizabeth Warren slinks back to the opposite side of the room.

Ted Cruz: As I was saying, never have I ever been in office for over three decades.

Nancy Pelosi puts her finger down.

Ted Cruz: God you’re old.

Nancy Pelosi: God you’re ugly.

Ted Cruz rolls his eyes.

Mitch McConnell: Ok my turn! Never have I ever ran for president and then lost.

Mitch McConnel smirks at Mitt Romney, Bernie Sanders, and Ted Cruz who all put their fingers down.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, well, when you even get nominated for president, call me.

Mitch McConnell: Hey! I am the longest standing US Senator Kentucky has ever had!

Ted Cruz: And that means what exactly…

Mitch McConnel glares at Ted Cruz.

Bernie Sanders: Okay! My turn I guess. Um never have I ever not been the most popular Senator in America.

Everyone looks at him annoyed and puts a finger down.

Mitch McConnel: Hey I’m pretty popular!

Nancy Pelosi: Yeah but for all the wrong reasons.

Mitch McConnel: “yEaH bUt fOr aLl tHe wRoNg rEaSoNs.”

Mitt Romney: Okay my turn. I finally got one. Never have I ever been in a sexual relationship with our current president.

Mike Pence: Oh my god guys you say this every time!

Proceeds to put his finger down.

Mike Pence: It’s my turn now anyway! Never have I ever been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community.

Bernie Sanders: What the hell Pence.

Mike Pence: What?! It’s our final hours! We might as well be honest and I’m tryna win.

Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnel all put their fingers down.

Ted Cruz: Put your finger back up McConnel.

Mitch McConnel: Excuse me? What’d I do to prove otherwise?

Bernie Sanders: Oh I don’t know. Amy Coney Barret? Joan Larson? Allison Eid?!

Mitch McConnel: Okay! Whatever!

An FBI Agent comes into the room.

FBI Agent: Hey, you guys are good to go back up. All’s clear.

Everyone starts clapping.

Nancy Pelosi: Wait, we’re gonna finish playing though right?

Mike Pence: Oh definitely, we’ll just say we’re still counting the votes.

Everyone nods in agreement as they head out of the bunker.


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