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Three Old Ladies on their Deathbeds Sing “I Did Something Bad” in Perfect Harmony

By Elsa Bohem

Shock waves rolled through town as the world ceased spinning on its axis, the sound of perfect harmony slicing through the earth’s core. On April 13th, 2075, 4 old ladies died holding hands and tragically singing Taylor Swift’s classic anthem “I Did Something Bad.” Dorothy, a 67 year old woman from Pasadena, left behind four children, who were devastated when they heard how she had died. “It was her favorite song,” said her eldest son, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “She loved to jam out to TayTay.” Dorothy’s reputation as a player was well acknowledged by her children: she “got some big enemies,” he says. According to him, British politician Boris Johnson once called her to pick the music queue for his Batman-Themed housewarming party, and she chose “Vigilante Shit.” ‘It was just… so iconic,” he wept. “She truly died as she lived,” said her daughter Everleighleigh, “totally unashamed of her music taste.”

Doris’ relatives were less sympathetic. Doris was an 83 year old drug addict from Wisconsin and Taylor Swift fan. “We wanted a peaceful funeral— a grave plaque, some flowers, maybe a DJ– but now, hundreds of people are arriving to pay their respects. We can’t feed all of them! The next thing we’ll have to do is hire a re-enactor to pretend the power of music brought her back to life!” says her uncle Chad, 102. He has now started a GoFundMe for Doris’ visitors to help pay off the mortgage on his home and get him some “cracked Chiefs tickets.”

Dora, the third lady, is actually still alive.

“Why does everyone think I’m dead?” she asks as we walk into her humble home with a bouquet. “Just wait a few hours.” When asked about Dorothy and Doris, Dora relaxes a little. “They were great women, great women,” she says. “I just had to pull their life support because their singing was too loud. But other than that, great women.” When we asked her what specifically drove her to murder her friends in cold blood, she says, “I just really wanted to sing acapella. And they wouldn’t let me. Every girl needs her moment to shine.” Dora is now currently residing in SoCal Penitentiary, where she says “The acoustics are great.”


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