By Annie Pan:
Looking to send your kids to a top 20 college? Hoping to brag to your friends about your
child? Look no further because we have a solution for you: tiger parenting. While kids may
suffer through a few minor side effects (examples include, but aren’t limited to, being unable to maintain a conversation past ten seconds and a lifetime of insecurity), it’s all okay because you’ll be turning your kid into something exceptional! We are here to present to you a few tips to become the perfect tiger parent. Following these tips will ensure that your child turns into a great student with an amazing future, so let’s begin!
1. Studying > Mental Health
Most parents may talk about how important it is to be a supportive parent. However, they
are wrong. We are here to make warriors out of your tiny toddlers! No more plastic barbies or
toy trains. The only thing they need are pencils and textbooks filled with calculus. While we’ve
all heard rumors about how pressuring students too much with studying will cause their mental health to suffer, as you slowly become a tiger parent you’ll come to a realization: mental health doesn’t matter. Your kid is crying about having to study for a math test? Tell him to man up. Hand him a calculator and send him to his room, even if you have to drag him. He’s lonely and jealous of all his friends outside playing soccer? Buy him a “How to get a 36 on the ACT!” textbook. He’ll have lots of fun reading all 378 pages of math formulas, grammar rules, and reading tips. He’ll be so absorbed with the book that he’ll forget that he had no friends to begin with! Perhaps he’ll get angry at you a few times, but don’t worry! If he ever complains about how he’s never happy, tell him that happiness doesn’t exist! Because if it did, you would be in Hollywood tasting the finest wine and being served by a Michelin star chef like Gordon Ramsay instead of dealing with his whining.
2. Social Life? What’s that?
While studying, your kid may look outside his window and see his friends playing
basketball or tag on the streets. If he ever asks to join, your answer is no. He may cry and whine, but ignore him and just put on earbuds for some music. He’ll eventually stop since crying can be exhausting. Potential side effects, however, may include your kid turning into an antisocial teenager, but that’s something you can worry about later! For now, his best friend can be that ACT textbook you bought. Or, if he doesn’t like it, you can buy him the latest Merriam-Webster dictionary and have him memorize over 470,000 words. Doesn’t that seem so much fun compared to playing tag on the streets? If he chooses to get a hobby such as art, you may allow it as long as his grades don’t drop. However, if he tells you he wants to be an artist, we have a problem. We don’t want him to grow up believing the “Follow your dreams!” lie that thousands of kids become brainwashed with. Only a small percentage of kids grow up to become Picasso, and we know your kid isn't one of them. Have you seen his drawings? If you fail to prevent him from wanting to be an artist, he’ll be living in your basement for the rest of your life.
3. Grades are Life
Above all else, as a tiger parent, you need to set expectations. Perhaps stick a piece of
paper with grade expectations on the fridge so your child knows them by heart. You could even teach them the alphabet using grades. A stands for average. No need to tell them you’re proud of them; all they need to know is that getting As mean they won’t have to spend dinner being scolded. B stands for below average. Get ready to give your kid an hour long lecture if you see this on their report card! C stands for “can’t acknowledge you as my child”. In other words, if your child reaches this stage, it’s time to make or get a new one because this one has fallen to the dark side and can’t be saved. D is for disowned, banished from the house. Short and simple. Just open the door and tell them to leave. Don’t doctors talk about the importance of vitamin D and being one with nature? Now your child can hang out in the wilderness and get plenty of vitamin D! Finally F means failure. There’s nothing to say except better luck with the next kid!
After reading, we hope that you can’t wait to begin your journey as a tiger parent. While
you may be hesitant at first with this new way of parenting, you’ll soon be filled with pride after
turning your child into a reclusive nerd! Past tiger parents have told us about their experiences, glad that they listened to our tips. One parent told us, “I was a tiger mom to my kid, and I couldn’t be happier at how it turned out! My daughter is now a computer science major at MIT and is always in her room coding. She’s already received a few job offers offering six figure salaries. (However, I don’t know why but every time someone talks to her, she runs away as if she’s never had any social interaction experience before...)” Clearly the future is bright for your kids, so what are you waiting for? If you’re looking for more tips on parenting, consider buying our new book How to Make Your Kid Shut Up Without Duct Tape! But until then, thank you so much for reading and we hope you share with us your experiences!
NOTE: In some states, it’s considered child abuse if you leave your child out during the winter,
so make sure to give them gloves so they stay warm! If you choose to disown your child during
the summer, make sure to give him/her bug spray. Mosquito bites are very itchy.