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Tips for Conquering Boredom

By Asher Hancock:

Though the country’s restrictions may be loosening up, the future remains uncertain and many people continue to keep their distance from the outside world. Netflix and video games can provide some in-house good vibes but it can be quite challenging to bring the gnarly to a maximum and even more challenging to contain the gnarly in accordance with social distancing guidelines. If you are afraid of the coronavirus or just an introvert looking for some wisdom to spice up your isolation, this illustrious guide is for you.

Live that Monk life, Shred it up Silently!

Disclaimer: Being able to comprehend this tip requires watching Kung Fu Panda a minimum of three times and channeling your inner Master Oogway.

One way to really make isolation more interesting is to isolate even further. Lock yourself in your room with no food or water, just some cotton balls and soy sauce for dipping as well as hydration. Remain silent for the entire week and in the event that your parents break down your door, communicate only through break dancing. Turn off the lights and sit on the floor and continue to sit. If you truly require entertainment to help you get through it then find a brick to play with. If you are not levitating by day 4, take your socks off. If that technique fails you then you are likely a disgraceful waste of space and a nonbeliever in the scientific fact that monks have superpowers. Perhaps most importantly, never forget this Master Oogway quote: “Quit, don’t quit. Noodles, don’t noodles.”

Invest in a Hammer to Create DIY Fun!

Disclaimer: If you actually do this, the author of this piece is not liable in any way and you are solely responsible for all damages.

If you are looking for something to keep you busy for a while, Do It Yourself projects around the house might be worth considering. If nothing needs to be done around the house, then perhaps buy a hammer to help make some projects available. By destroying things like shelves, tables, and even toasters, you invite the opportunity to build them anew yourself. Just walk around the house, hammer in hand, and destroy anything that you think you might be able to rebuild. It is very likely you will break more things than you’ll be able to fix. You will overestimate your abilities and while you may start a few projects, you probably won’t finish any of them. (You are a failure.) You might even think so highly of yourself that you try to be innovative and attempt to invent the one legged table, or a voice controlled robot toilet, or perhaps even a fridge that respects you when no-one else seems to (just spitballing). If you are unable to fix all the damages and your parents become furious, simply remind them that money grows on trees and so everything will be fine. If this makes them even more angry, refer to the first tip, isolate yourself from them, and harness your monk powers.

Take up a New Hobby!

You may be thinking that you already have a pretty good hobby, but sitting in the backyard and shooting your Airsoft gun at squirrels does not count and nor does taking sips of your mom’s wine when she’s not looking. There’s a good chance you won’t get it right the first time, so try a few different things and see what you like. It could be as simple as trying out a different culture. Your parents might not appreciate it if you come to the dinner table in a kilt (whilst commando) or practice playing your bagpipes in the middle of the night, but who are they to suppress your identity? Try starting a collection of stamps or of the severed ears that you’ve taken as trophies in battle ( just spitballing once again). Maybe even take a stab at drawing and if it looks stupid you can just call it an abstract, avant-garde masterpiece and people will think that it’s really powerful. You could even start working out, but playing video games for “hand-eye coordination” is just lying to yourself and does not count.

Just Don’t Be Bored

Boredom is a mindset, so if you’re bored then you're probably a boring person. Making yourself more interesting can make your life seem more interesting. If you get a reverse mohawk and rollerblade through your house in your underwear, how can you possibly be bored? When you put a pot on your head and cups on your hands and walk around the house calling yourself “kitchen man,” your family may try to admit you to a mental hospital, but that could be a nice change of scenery. Do anything that comes to your mind no matter how ridiculous or illegal. Eat pine cones, throw firecrackers into your neighbors yard, and even commit tax evasion if it adds a little bit of spice. You only live once, so grab life by the kilt, smash it with a hammer, and act a little schizophrenic just for the fun of it.


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