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“Tofu Stole My Soul”: The Elkwood High Story

Written by Nina Patel:

Elkwood Highschool was recently closed down due to major healthcode violations that negatively impacted the lives of hundreds of students. The cafeteria’s famous “mystery meat” that students loved so much had turned out to be tofu. The uncovering of this scandal had many students and families shocked and appalled, inspiring a lawsuit against the school. One brave student who wished to remain anonymous came forward to share his experience.

“It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore,” the traumatized student described, “I suddenly stopped liking the taste of real meat, and I’ve felt the incessant urge to do yoga five times a day.” The student went on to describe his inability to resist hugging trees and his obsession with punny vegan t-shirts. “I haven’t worn a t-shirt without a vegan joke on it since we found out about the scandal. I just feel that merely telling people I’m vegan eight times a day isn’t enough. I need them to be able to read it off of my shirt in case they forget.”

Other students reported feeling as if they had lost their identities. “It was as if veganism became me,” a student explained while fighting back tears. “Or maybe I became veganism. I don’t know anymore. All I know is that nature is my only real friend and I have a major protein deficiency.”

While the school has taken a lot of heat for allowing a disaster like this to occur, the real blame lies in the cafeteria’s head chef, Daisy Duke Johnson. Ms. Johnson stated that she had no regrets and felt completely justified in her actions. “I’m not a monster,” she claimed, “I’m just a vegan with a mission to save the animals. All of them. Every single animal. Like that squirrel I found on the side of the road––at least I think it was a squirrel––it wasn’t exactly intact and it certainly wasn’t moving or breathing… These kids are better off as vegans anyways. Haven’t you heard about all of the health benefits? I have, because I’m vegan. And I think I did everyone a favor by feeding them tofu instead of meat. Did I mention that I’m vegan?” Johnson’s interview was cut short as her interviewer fainted upon realizing that the burger he was eating was actually made of black beans.

It wasn’t just the students of Elkwood High who suffered the consequences of Ms. Johnson’s crimes. The faculty suffered as well. One teacher admitted through tears that he had even brought some of the so-called “mystery meat” home to his family. “My kids,” he sobbed, “I fed this to my kids! They’re so young! They used to sit inside all day playing video games but now they’re out frolicking in strawberry fields. It’s like all that tofu crushed their spirits!”

While Ms. Johnson has already been fired from her position as head chef, the administration of Elkwood High knows that her termination is not enough. “These students have been traumatized by their experiences here,” states Principle Williams, “It is our responsibility as educators to help them through that trauma by any means necessary.” Principle Williams went on to describe their new “anti-vegan” policy, which would ban vegetables of all kinds from the cafeteria. “From now on, our cafeteria will only serve meat and potatoes, and a strict uniform will be enforced with zero tolerance for vegan puns. We also have our guidance counselor working extra long hours and we’ve replaced all of the posters in the hallways with inspirational quotes about steak. We know we can’t erase the horrors of Ms. Johnson, but we will do our best to protect our students from any further harm.”


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