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Top 10 Things I Don’t Understand

By Dan Soslowsky:

In my very long and experienced 17 years on this planet, I have seen many strange things. Whether it be in society, nature, or even the media, many different things simply do not make sense to me no matter how much I think about them. While most people overlook or disregard these things, I demand explanations. I ask the questions that nobody thinks to ask, and I do not rest until I find answers. But sometimes there aren’t answers. And that’s when I rest. Without further ado, here is a compiled list of the Top 10 things that I simply do not understand:

1. Saying Thank You To A Compliment About Your Dog

Many times when I pass a dog-walker and a dog on the street, I raise my voice up an embarrassing number of octaves as if talking to a newborn baby, and squeal out, “aww your dog is so cute!” However, what doesn’t make sense to me is why the dog-owner will respond with, “Thank you!” Why are you taking credit for the dog’s immense cuteness? It’s not like you stayed up nights on end, constructing the dog from miscellaneous appendages like Dr. Frankenstein, and are now so proud to show your creation off to the world. All you did was show up at the adoption center one day and say, “that one!” Get off of your high horse, dog-owners. Sheesh.

2. Gremlins

In the 1984 horror/fantasy film Gremlins, Billy is told to follow three simple rules in order to keep the Gremlins from becoming evil and destructive, one of which being not to feed them after midnight. However, what always confused me is that it is always after midnight no matter what time it is. Even at 11:59pm, a time that many would consider to be before midnight, it is actually 23 hours and 59 minutes after midnight of the previous day. I found this to be a major plot-hole in the movie and for that reason I rate Gremlins a resounding 0 Understandings out of 5.

3. Knee Slapping When Something’s Funny

Another thing that I don’t understand is why people slap their knees when something is funny. I understand that it’s a way to show that they find something funny, but it’s such an instinctive thing for so many people that it must be deeper than that. Why the knee specifically? You don’t see anyone kicking themselves or punching themselves in the face after hearing a funny joke. And doesn’t knee slapping hurt? Maybe it’s because you’re so happy to hear something funny that you need to inflict pain on yourself to balance it out? I don’t know.

4. Stacy Didn’t Want To Go Out With Me

A couple of months ago, I asked this girl Stacy if she wanted to go rollerblading with me. Unfortunately, she rejected my offer. I don’t hold a grudge against her or anything and I respect her decision, but it just doesn’t make total sense to me why she wouldn’t want to go out with me, that’s all.

5. Boots from Dora

The monkey Boots from Dora the Explorer is called Boots just because he wears Boots, but nobody calls me Shirt when I wear a shirt or Pants when I wear pants. And how did he even get the boots in the first place? They’re in the middle of the jungle! Which makes me wonder why Dora is even there to begin with? Ugh, and don’t even get me started on the whole “Is The Explorer Her Last Name?” Mystery.

6. I’m Still Kinda Stuck On The Stacy One

After putting more thought to it, I really don’t understand why Stacy wouldn’t want to go out with me. I’m a really nice guy and I’ve always respected her and treated her well. I get good grades and can be pretty funny sometimes. I don’t mean to sound self-centered or anything, but I just don’t see anything so incredibly wrong with me. And it’s not like she’s in a relationship or anything-- she’s completely single! I guess I should just accept it for what it is and move on…

7. Pair of Pants

One of science’s greatest mysteries: why is it called a pair of pants? I have never seen anybody wear just one pant. And if each pant leg counts as one “pant,” then what is the waist part of the pants called? Yaknow, the part that connects the two legs? Should it be called a “pair of pants and the waist part?”

8. Okay so, about Stacy again

I really don’t get it, you guys. It just doesn’t make any sense! I’ve replayed it over and over again in my head but I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to go out with me!

9. I know you are reading this Stacy

Give me a chance, Stacy… please... it’s tearing me apart! I think about you all the time… I-I need you, Stacy…

10. Please, Stacy


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