By Sadie Barend
All of the following events could be deemed as embarrassing, however, I prefer the term powerful. In these moments, the entire world stopped and all eyes were on me. For better or for worse. Shall we begin?
When I threw a temper tantrum because I was too afraid to ride Big Thunder Mountain at Disney World.
Listen, I was putting on a show… and for free. Tears, wailing, screaming, the whole package. But, these people were so ungrateful. Ten minutes into my tantrum, one Karen had the audacity to come up to me and whisper, “Hurry up, you ain’t gonna screw this up for all of us honey.” Babe, don’t honey me. Now can you please get me a Mickey Mouse Ice-Cream cone? I’m feeling a bit parched, you know, from the shrieking.
Ultimately, I faced my fears, alas there was a bit of screaming during the ride. We were informed by a posse of angry white women to never come back.
My family left the ride in shame. I can still remember my dad’s screaming, similar to his reaction during the Tubi Super Bowl commercial. Dad, for the last time, I promise I didn’t change the channel.
2. When I got a classmate in trouble during sixth grade.
Ah, the classic tattle-tale. Although tattle-tales have a negative reputation, it is undoubtedly a powerful position in the middle school hierarchy.
For instance, one time, during quiet read-to-self time, my classmate Matthew was chatting with Paul about some irrelevant boy drama. Something about how a guy named Brady tackled some dude during a football game. Please, if you're going to gossip, at least make it interesting.
Hesitantly, I raised my hand, just as Ms. Pumpkin (if that was my last name I would marry so fast) walked by my desk. I whispered to her and pointed to Matthew.
He stared at me. I stared back. Whatcha think you’re gonna do pal? Beat me up? Actually, please don’t do that. I’m only 4’8 and you could definitely paralyze me.
Ultimately, Matthew was sentenced to spend five minutes of recess standing by the wall. I think the crime deserved a higher penalty, however, justice had been served all thanks to me.
3. When I reached for Tiger Woods’ ball at a golf tournament.
I remember making eye contact with Tiger Woods’ caddy as I crawled closer to the ball. Immediately, his caddy grabbed a 9-iron and came charging toward me. Truthfully, that seemed like a bit of an overreaction. I mean what’s a better way to end a round of golf than having your ball snatched away by a three-year-old?
Unfortunately, once my parents finally realized the severity of the situation they squashed any hopes of me getting the ball. My dad channeled his inner WWE by pulling on the back of my shirt which launched me into a backward somersault on the grass. That got the crowd roaring.
Although I did not get Tiger Woods’ ball, it wasn’t all bad. I mean for one moment I got the attention of an entire crowd of old white men, and not because I was a stripper.
4. When I was the only kid wearing a homemade costume for Halloween.
This might seem like a surefire way to have no friends, especially in middle school, however, I strutted the streets, wearing a cherry headband and carrying a cupcake-shaped jack-o-lantern without a care in the world.
When making this costume, my mom decided to live out her Pinterest DIY girl dreams, so she came up with her greatest idea ever. I would wear a laundry basket. Despite my dad’s claim that she was ruining his “favorite laundry basket” she continued to tear it apart until it somewhat resembled a cupcake wrapper.
I was hard to miss. It was as if a giant Oompa Loompa was just casually trick-or-treating. Although I took up the entire width of the sidewalk and left a trail of polyfill stuffing on the street, I felt so powerful. Everyone else was wearing store-bought costumes, but my mom made mine. Ha! Beat that.
5. When I belly-flopped on the high school lobby floor.
Okay, I will admit this one is a bit tricky to justify as being a powerful moment. Nevertheless, I will try. Let me paint the picture.
I just got dropped off at school by my mom, (that’s already a bad start) and I’m walking into the lobby, clutching onto several bags. I’m praying to God that the kid in front of me notices my situation and holds the door open. He did not. Crap.
C’mon Sadie, just make it to the locker room. I was almost there. Then suddenly my feet stumble on the straps to my gym bag. My feet slide and before I know it everyone in the high school lobby is staring at me, and my butt is in the air.
After contemplating whether or not I should take this moment to perform Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” dance routine, I attempted to regain my balance. As graceful as a one-legged drunken sloth, I stood up and did my best to hide the fact that my knee was most definitely bleeding and my soul was dying.
Although this moment was undoubtedly embarrassing, I can now say that I successfully fell in front of a crowd of high schoolers and survived. Also, for one moment I was able to make the entire high school lobby silent. That’s powerful. But really it was more like PAIN.