By Natalie Parker:
I get it. You’re tired of seeing one sacrilegious Marvel movie after another make amounts of money that could turn guys sleeping on the subway into Steve Jobs, or that could help your favorite televangelist buy a hundred personal private jets to help enhance his humble prayers to Jesus. You want to make something that you feel truly represents you and your beliefs. I’m here to help you with that thoroughly noble and unique goal. I have ten fail-safe tips to introduce you to the ins-and-outs of the Christian movie genre. Enjoy!
1. Set your movie in Oklawyotexansas
There have to be cornfields for your main character to have deep interactions with God in nature, but there also must be a filthy urban strip so he can learn about Satan. Make sure there’s a local bakery with homemade cherry pie and an owner who somehow makes a profit while giving everyone everything “on the house,” but there also has to be at least one “Burger Prince” or “McDonaldson” location to give it that authentic teenage life feel. Every audience member should be able to relate to the setting, but only to a level as shallow as the kiddie pool at the local community center where the main character volunteers.
2. Make your protagonist as white-bread as humanly possible
Everyday outfit? Jeans and a blue t-shirt with an out-of-context Bible quote. Favorite person? His thirty-five year old blonde mother. Favorite hobby? Listening to his church choir. Also eating his blonde mother’s homemade chicken noodle soup, which she told him is what charmed his minister father into marrying her, but in reality they were never taught about condoms in school and abortion is only for Democrat whores so right after prom night they had a wedding, during which their families made them swear to never tell anyone about this, ever. Don’t explicitly bring that part up in the movie. It should simmer subtly, just like that delicious soup.
3. The girlfriend must be blonde
If the girlfriend doesn’t look like a younger version of the mom, stop and ask yourself why. They should both be blonde, with tiny noses, ever-present makeup, and perfect hair that looks simple but in truth can only be achieved with a $300 daily blowout.
4. A.A.A.A.A.A.: All Atheists Ardently Abuse Animals, Always
Atheists are naturally deplorable, disgusting and disgraceful human beings. They kick puppies in their free time just for fun. They make it a point to constantly verbally castigate all Christians, and can only be redeemed if they discover the Christian God and learn to play “Amazing Grace” on the church organ. Make sure that your screenplay reflects this reality.
5. Technology is evil…unless you really need it
Every pious, God-fearing adult in the movie tells children to unplug, but your main character deserves a Macbook, a projector, and the shit that Pixar uses to animate movies for his important presentation where he proves to his vile college professor that God is real. It makes sense.
6. There’s nothing wrong with plot holes
The Bible has plot holes. Your movie can too.
7. If you have a Jewish character, you did it wrong
Take it from a half-Jew: we don’t actually exist. In the real world, there are only two options regarding religious affiliation: flawless, angelic Jesus-lovers like you, and the aforementioned miserable atheists, who will either die wretched and alone or become Born-Again Christians. The Bible is the only sacred text in the universe, and there is only one way to interpret and celebrate its content, as all learned scholars know. Hanukkah only happens on Long Island, and your movie obviously isn’t set there. Cut any Jewish characters, and while you’re at it, cut any Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu ones too. Replace them with who those people really are: slimy atheists trying to trick the Christians.
8. The best soundtracks are from sketchy royalty-free websites
The other best soundtracks come from brothers with man buns willing to write music for free in your living room on their acoustic guitars. They’ll give it that perfect mix of elevator music and hold music.
9. Keep the movie under 90 minutes
Long enough for Grandma to nap, but not long enough for her to die.
10. Set your final scene in a church
The Protagonist sits with his mother in a pew, listening to a sermon. All of a sudden, the doors open, revealing the Atheist. He and the Protagonist make eye contact as he settles into a pew across the aisle, looking slightly unsettled. A hymn starts, and everyone stands up to sing. The Protagonist and the Atheist lock eyes again and smile, and as the music swells, the camera pans out the window to a cloudless sky with a shining sun. The sun is God, and he approves of this message.
And that’s it! Everything you need to know to make your very own homegrown, American, not-at-all-dangerously-culturally-and-let’s-face-it-also-racially-whitewashed Christian film. Even if you don’t bring in Multiverse of Madness money, you have certainly brought joy and spirituality into the lives of many homophobic grandmothers who pressure their grandchildren into being straight. And the best part is, all you need are the few dusty pennies from your childhood piggy bank! God bless!