Voicemail Greetings for College Admissions Offices

By Anka Chiorini:

“Hello, you’ve reached [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. Please call back when your GPA goes up.”

“Thank you for calling [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. Can we interest you in debilitating student debts?”

“You’ve reached the admissions office of [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. This line is currently being used to talk to a junior in high school who has cured cancer and played violin at Carnegie Hall. Please leave your insignificant message after the tone.”

“To speak to a representative, please enter the number of AP courses you have taken. If you’ve taken 5, please press 1. If you’ve taken 6, please press 2. If you’ve taken 7, please press 3. If you’ve taken 8, please press 4. If you’ve taken 9, please press 5. If you’ve taken 10, please press 6. If you’ve taken 11, please press 7. If you’ve taken 12, please press 8. If you’ve taken 13 or more, please press 9. If you’ve taken less than 5, please press end call.”

“You’ve reached [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. Please enter your parents’ yearly income.”

“Thank you for calling [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. To speak to a representative, please fill out a series of increasingly incomprehensible forms that have been sent to your email four times since you dialed this number.”

“You’ve reached [INSERT COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY HERE]. We’re test optional, but we refuse to talk to anyone who hasn’t taken the SAT.”

“Thank you for calling! We don’t want you here.”