By Anka Chiorini:
Monday
We want you, Anka!
Based on your academics, we can tell you take your education seriously. We think you would be a perfect fit for College University!
Below you’ll find some helpful links where you can learn more about our college. There is also an information form that we would encourage you to fill out.
We’re looking forward to learning more about you, Anka!
Tuesday
Hello again, Anka!
I noticed you haven’t filled out the information form yet. What gives? I’m including another link to it below in case you accidentally deleted our first email.
You’re a gifted student, Anka!
Wednesday
The funniest thing happened earlier today, Anka. I was looking at the responses to the information form I sent you and I didn’t see a response from you. Unless, of course, your name is Robert Collins of Kansas City. In that case, please stop filling out the form. We saw it the first time.
I can’t wait to hear from you, Anka!
Thursday
What. The. Fuck. Think you’re too good for us? Asshole.
I’m linking the form below.
You’ve got great potential, Anka!
Friday
Look, I’m going to level with you. We don’t just want you. We need you. Yes, you specifically, Anka. Our students are idiots. Robert Collins of Kansas City filled out our form three times. What a loser. You’re smart, you’re savvy, and you’re not interested in us. You’re the perfect student, Anka. Do the right thing, Anka. Fill out the fucking form, Anka.
We want YOU, Anka.