By Natalie Parker:
Other than multivariable calculus and the mysterious ingredients of the intoxicatingly delicious Oreo cookie, there are few things on this polluted and filthy planet Earth more confusing than the behavior of Star Wars fans. People love it. They worship at the altar of George Lucas and pay for merchandise with an amount of money that could probably buy a mansion in Kansas or some other dirt hole in the Midwest. One time, when I was in middle school, I was at my then-boyfriend’s house (kids, don’t date in middle school; you’ll live to deeply regret it. Plus, kissing with braces is like eating a dirty cheese grater) and, while we were eating dinner with his younger sisters, he pulled out his phone and started playing clips of random songs from the movie soundtracks. If his sisters guessed the song and movie correctly, he gave them candy like some kind of deranged dog trainer. This is the kind of bizarre debauchery that Star Wars is inflaming. Thus, during that sacred week of gluttony to prepare for New Year’s Resolutions, I embarked on a quest to make sense of my ex-boyfriend’s behavior. In my expedition, I watched all nine movies in the franchise plus Rogue One in order (not Solo, that movie was pure fan service and was therefore crap. Fans have terrible opinions), and have compiled a list of reasons people might enjoy Star Wars. If you vibe with any of these reasons, please comment and smash that like button. My self-worth depends on it.
1. There’s more than one planet
Our Earth is crumbling, there’s no doubt about it. Climate change, with the encouragement of our capitalist overlords, is infecting the planet and will irrevocably alter our lives for the worse for all perpetuity. So it would be super awesome if we could just zip over to Coruscant and live there instead. Their cars fly! So what if there are bounty hunters everywhere and imperialist assassins using creepy crawly bugs to murder their targets? Anything is better than this garbage dump that David Attenborough lovingly narrates about in a beautiful documentary series I often fall asleep while watching. It would be awesome if we could go to literally any other planet. Even Tatooine.
2. H0t heroines
There’s no doubt about it: Padme, Jyn, Leia, and Rei are all super h0t. They all wear oddly sexualizing outfits with that boob armor and Leia is literally wearing three pieces of thread as an outfit in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. I’m not saying I personally am attracted to them, obviously, but I understand how someone would be. Just saying, that cinnamon buns hair can get it. After one #girlboss moment in Phantom Menace where she reveals herself as Queen Amidala, Padme does literally nothing besides giving birth to Luke and Leia, so she’s obviously not compelling because of her character traits. She’s compelling because of her rockin’ bod, and the same is true for the other heroines. Who needs a personality when you have big brown eyes?
3. Hot heroes
The heroes aren’t even h0t. They’re just straight-up hot, no censor needed. Han Solo’s jawline? Cut me with it. Luke Skywalker’s chin dimple? Let me lick it. Anakin Skywalker’s hair in Revenge of the Sith? Shave it off, I want to keep it in a Ziploc bag on my nightstand. This is a totally valid reason to love the series. I have to admit, it kept me watching during some of the slow bits with the politics and poorly contrived romance.
4. R2-D2’s scream
Trust me, Google it. The shrill little OAAAARGH! he voices every time he’s hurt is a pure serotonin factory. I love it. I could listen to it all day.
5. Definitely not the dialogue
Yeesh. “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere” should be carved on George Lucas’ tombstone as recompense for the violence he has wreaked on the sacred art of screenwriting. So should a video of Hayden Christensen’s flat delivery of the line, “I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.” Personally, I think that we should invent the technology to put videos on tombstones just for this purpose.
6. The escape
The Star Wars movies are generally unintelligible, but they offer a window into a thrilling and fantastic new galaxy. Smugglers lie and the Empire rules and the Rebel Alliance strives, and all of it is temporary relief from the struggles of the here and now. The past two years have been hurricanes of dog shit, and watching Frank Oz lecture about the Force as a walking, talking shriveled green apricot is a welcome respite from reality. You can embrace your destiny with Luke Skywalker, or desperately empathize with Anakin as he slips to the dark side, or wonder why you find a little round orange robot so adorable. It’s magical, and even though the most recent trilogy is uneven and oddly terrible, you find yourself having a hell of a time.
In conclusion, I’m pretty sure that people love Star Wars because of how hot the leads are. I know that I’m drawn in by their dark eyes, gymnastic flips, and weird, vague religion. I have officially been won over — but I still don’t understand my ex-boyfriend’s behavior. Please don’t train your sisters to memorize movie soundtracks, folks. Subscribe to the Milking Cat email list for more, and once again, don’t forget to smash that like button! I will definitely check!