By Kaavya Shah
Like Playboi Carti awakening from his 4 year hiatus, I rise from my goosefeather bed at 9:00 am on Sunday, a time which I still consider to be early. I go downstairs and notice a huge black cloud of negativity moving towards me. I try to act like I forgot something so I can run upstairs and avoid conversation, but it’s too late.
“Oh! You’re awake? It’s 9 am!” It speaks.
Really?! Thank you so much for telling me, I didn’t notice!
“Do you know what time I woke up? 5:00 am.” It speaks again.
Okay? I didn’t ask you. I just wanted to eat my Cinnamon Toast Crunch and now I have to listen to early wake-up propaganda. It’s all the same stuff I’ve heard before, so I take the liberty of zoning out and throwing in a murmur of agreement here and there (spoiler alert: I do not agree).
Waking up early is like a shot of adrenaline for older people since they don’t do anything exciting anymore. The rush they get from waking up before the sun to sit on the couch and “meditate” or whatever is something that can never be taken from them. If you hate everyone and want a few hours of peace and quiet to yourself in the morning, just say that. I would love to see some productivity from the little old souls that think waking up at 5:00 am is the eighth virtue. Take a walk outside, make conversation, learn how to cartwheel, because it’s never too late.
To a certain point, it gets insulting because I wake up at 6:00 am for school anyway. So picture me: half-asleep, toiling away during the early hours of the work week, making sure I did all my homework, struggling to put on my Converse quick enough so I don’t miss the bus, you know, actually doing stuff. And where are you when I do this?
Oh right, on the couch doing nothing! Go back to bed, dude. Don’t act all high and mighty because you woke up earlier than me, on the weekend, mind you. We all know you just sleep with your eyes open.
Kommentare