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Why Being Short Is Better Than Being Tall

By Sarah Parmet

1. It’s really easy to avoid your toxic ex-best friend, or the math teacher you don’t like. Since

you’re so short, they won’t be able to see you anyways.

2. You’re less likely to get dehydrated. On a hot day, all you need to do is find a tall person’s

shadow. Your job is to stand in it. Do not leave that spot. Our poor, taller counterparts have no

place to avoid the sun’s burning rays. They will quickly start to sweat, unable to withstand the

heat. But you, on the other hand, should be fine.

3. Short people are richer than tall people. For instance, if a short person and a tall person of

similar proportions buy body wash, the tall person would run out faster, because, you know.

There’s more surface area to cover. Being short saves unthinkable amounts of money in the long run, which you can put towards your retirement/insurance/surgery to get taller.

5. You get really good at manipulating people. Be honest with yourself. You’ll never be able to

reach the top shelf at Whole Foods. But, with a wink, a smile, and perhaps a few death threats,

you’ll have tall people falling all over you to get you your dried mango.

6. *Answer deemed too offensive to tall people*

7. In a Zombie apocalypse, you will survive and inherit a dying world *yay*. I asked a few

zombies, and they all prefer to eat people over 5’9 because their bones tend to be larger and quite crunchy, which makes for a fiber-rich snack (Fred said they taste like barbecue chips but I think that’s a lie).

8. In the rare case a zombie does try to eat you, you’ll die faster. We’re so unappetizing that they just eat us quicker to get it over with.

9. When you get kidnapped and put in the trunk, you’ll have a substantial amount of legroom.

10. This one was actually my dad’s idea, but you can always break a tall person’s kneecaps. Or cut off their legs. They won’t be so tall then, will they? I’m not condoning violence, but let me just say, it's a pretty successful alternative. Of course, if you’re that successful, you should join the Mafia.

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